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Hugo Santander |
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Emigrant Kingdom
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ACT ONE
A small table in front of an old sofa. There is a bottle of wine, two cups and popcorn on a table. TV screen and mirror to the right. A hanger with several clothes sets and a shelf with books to the left. The stage is lit by a small window placed as high as possible. ULYSSES crosses the stage. He is a stubborn half-wit athletic student in his late twenties. He wears a green suit. He handles a heavy business bag. ULYSSES Rosa! ROSA (O.S.) Yes? ULYSSES Any mail today? ROSA, a 29-year blonde overweight woman enters with a comb and checks her figure in the mirror. She wears high-heel shoes and a tiny dress. ROSA No. ULYSSES Has any one called me? ROSA No. Ulysses drops his bag on the floor and seats in the sofa. He finds a gun inside it and plays with it. ROSA (continuing) Now that I think about it-yes, you got an envelope. It's on the floor, besides the sofa. Ulysses springs up to her words and looks around. He finds an envelope under the sofa. ULYSSES It's a bill. ROSA Still it's yours. ROSA (continuing) Stop playing with that gun. ULYSSES Why did you buy it? ROSA To protect your ass from intruders, Moron. ULYSSES Guns are made for killing. ROSA Whatever. ULYSSES You don't know what you can do with a toy like this in a moment of anger. Are you sure no one has called me? ROSA No one. (pause) Your mom. ULYSSES Huh! He opens the envelope. Rosa combs her hair. ULYSSES (continuing) Are you going to the beach today? ROSA None of your business. ULYSSES I ought to know. ROSA Why? ULYSSES That outfit may get you into trouble, you know. ROSA What do you mean? ULYSSES You may trip down and fall. Look at your high-heel shoes. Rosa looks at her shoes. ROSA That’s not gonna happened. I will visit Fredo. He has invited me to dine at his bungalow. ULYSSES Uh! The CEO? ROSA Better known for his deadly free jumps. Last night he defeated his own record. Did I tell you about his Olympic medal? ULYSSES I know he got one... But I got three! ROSA Did you? ULYSSES Yeah! In a monthly football championship. 1974! Do you want I show you? ROSA You cannot compare a piece of tin with Fredo's Olympic medal. You are just jealous. Fredo, after all, may help you to get a job. ULYSSES (sincere) Aren't you kidding me? ROSA It's a fact. ULYSSES Well! It's good to hear that! You better go out-before it's too late! Ulysses stands up smiling and walks to the right of the stage. He stops and looks at Rosa. He returns to the left of the stage. He stops and looks at Rosa. ROSA Are you O.K.? ULYSSES I'm all right.! Are you driving your car? ROSA I'd rather catch the train. ULYSSES I can drop you at Fredo's bungalow. ROSA That's so kind of you. ULYSSES You are welcome. ROSA I will give you some money-the tank is empty, Rosa exits. LORD LION enters: he wears trousers, necktie and a hat. He handles a small computer attached to his waist by a strip. LION May I ask your number, please? Ulysses moves around looking for his bag. He finds it and takes several items from it: books, letters, colorful brochures and journals that he throws on the stage. Lord Lion observes Ulysses' movements with contempt. ULYSSES I'm not sure where I wrote it. Can you wait a second? Where is it? You may take a seat, please. I apologize. Honestly-it's my fault. But even a CEO may commit a mistake-at least once in a life, doesn't he? I mean, don’t they? I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Please, relax. Feel comfortable at home. It must be somewhere around here. Now, if you allow me... Ulysses laughs nervously. He finds his wallet and takes a card out of it. ULYSSES (continuing) 41756000000000000 LION Thank you, Sir. For verification purposes, can you give us your circumcision date? ULYSSES Pardon me? LION When your penis was cut off, Sir. Lord Lion exits. Rosa enters. ROSA Ready to leave? ULYSSES (nervous) I must sign a check first. ROSA No lift, no money. Rosa leaves. Ulysses grasps some documents and walks to the proscenium. Lady Cat, an actress wearing a police officer outfit, crosses the stage. She handles a club in her hands. A plastic lap dog is laced from its neck to her hand. Ulysses steps back to avoid her--too late. CAT You are a guest of the Emigrant Kingdom, Ulysses. As a legal alien we expect you to report each morning at the school. ULYSSES (nervous) Excuse me, Mom. I'm lost and... CAT Otherwise, we may think you are trying to disturb our community-in other words, we may suspect you are working, WOR-KING. Or, what is the same, looking for trouble. ULYSSES (nervous) You are mistaken, Mom; I just got a letter. Here I have it... Ulysses searches his clothes--fruitlessly. CAT Emigrant Kingdom law requests the full accomplishment of your duty! ULYSSES I'm so, so, so, so sorry... I intended to go to the immigration services, Mrs. I must extend my IP- 33 form. CAT IP-33? I love the color of that paper--between yellow and gray. I will help you, Ulysses. May I know how long you have been in the Emigrant Kingdom? Ulysses looks at his visa. ULYSSES Five months only. CAT That's a long time. Out there we have thousands of wealthy chaps who would like to come to the Emigrant Kingdom--even for one day. Our government is extremely kind to allow fellows from laid- back rainforest societies to study at our universities. Bear in mind that most of them return home after three months. You enjoy an exceptional privilege, Ulysses. ULYSSES Thanks. But my visa will expire in two weeks. Lady Cat snatches the visa from his hands. CAT I'm not surprised. ULYSSES Aren't you? CAT Not at all. You don't need to go to the Immigration Office, though. Instead, you should make an appointment with your responsible officer. ULYSSES I haven't had the opportunity to meet him yet. (upset) But, to be sincere with you, I don't want to deal with an immigration officer. CAT Don't you? May I know why? ULYSSES Well... (whispering) May I tell you a secret? CAT Please... ULYSSES Second-year students gave me the worst references of those men: ex- convicts, mercenaries... CAT That's ludicrous. I'm your responsible officer, as a matter of fact, and I have never visited a prison. ULYSSES That's what I told them. CAT They may gossip I blew up a couple of wrong embassies, but I was acquitted. Two emigrants were blamed instead. ULYSSES I trust on you, Lady Cat! CAT I'm glad to hear that. The Emigrant Kingdom pays me fifty five thousand pounds per year to take care of you, Ulysses. ULYSSES I really appreciate it-I mean, what I said was merely a joke-not mine, but of those, those, those... CAT Aliens have a strange sense of humor. Never mind. Let's look at your form, and see who signed it for sponsorship. Ulysses takes out his wallet and hands a document out to Lady Cat. CAT (continuing) The sponsor must be either a corporation that profits out of teaching you how to work with discipline and honesty-or a businessman who donates rusty armament to your country, so that your neighboring states feel obliged to buy us more destructive, sophisticated weapons. ULYSSES (nervous) We don't have to live out of charity! A sponsor is a sponsor! CAT Your sponsor handles your extension request. And also travel and work requests. Even permission to bring your relatives to the Emigrant Kingdom!--Certain conditions apply. ULYSSES But my sponsor is my Mother. CAT (pause, disgusted) Is she? Documents! She points out to his wallet. ULYSSES That's my wallet. Are you not violating my privacy, Lady Cat? CAT Play once more the fool with me and I will issue a M-666 deportation form. Ulysses takes out his wallet and hands it to Lady Cat. She checks it. CAT (continuing) What a lovely picture. A young attractive woman. Is she your wife? ULYSSES My Mother. CAT Good answer. I was testing you. ULYSSES Thanks... Lady Cat studies the letter. CAT You must present a new offer letter from whichever University invited you to research or to study at the Emigrant Kingdom. ULYSSES Here I have it. Ulysses hands her a letter, which he takes from his pocket. CAT (reading) I'm impressed. ULYSSES They want me to remain in the Emigrant Kingdom, Lady Cat. CAT May I see your bank account statement, please? Ulysses hands a sheet from his pocket. ULYSSES It proves I have enough funds to continue living here, doesn't it? CAT May I ask you a question? How long do you intend to stay in our country? Lady Cat returns him the documents. ULYSSES To be frank with you, all my life! CAT You are bold! ULYSSES Forgive
me, but I
want you to
understand
my situation. I have always longed to be a rich man--since I was a kid. I would like to have many limousines and sport cars, a house in the beach, another in the mountains, and… twenty penthouses!--each in each main capital of the world. Yes! I came here to get all that, and even more if I can! CAT That's impossible, I'm afraid. Permissions to extend visas are up to three years maximum. I can see you have been misguided by the advantages of our prosperity. ULYSSES That's all right. My ancestors were misguided into the rainforest by other myths as well. CAT Myths? ULYSSES Nothing more powerful to encourage migration. Five hundred years ago your ancestor Lord Lion the third sent an entire Happy Fleet to search oil somewhere in the jungle. CAT What are you talking about? ULYSSES I studied some history, Mom, but I'm not sure whether it was oil, gold or red chili peppers. CAT You better get off. You have a cute face, by the way. It would be nice to see you in good shape for our private meeting next week. Good bye. Lady Cat exits. Ulysses steps back and picks up a book from the shelf. He takes off his shirt and approaches the mirror. Placing the book on the floor he works out while looking at it. By grasping his hands, one against each other, his breathing becomes louder. The MOTHER, a 70-year old businesswoman enters. She handles a stick. Ulysses wears on hastily his clothes. MOTHER What are you doing, Ulysses? ULYSSES I am studying. MOTHER Did you just wake up? ULYSSES It's twenty past noon. MOTHER Have you gotten any job? ULYSSES Not yet. (pause) But I will. (pause) I haven't received my monthly stipend, Mother. MOTHER Your brother told us you are living with an atheist woman. ULYSSES Her name is Rosa. MOTHER Rosa? That's a rainforest name. Couldn't you get something better? A girl with an Emigrant Kingdom name. ULYSSES I don't know too many. MOTHER We hear about them all the time: Greta, Marlene, Lady D. ULYSSES Rosa was born in the Emigrant Kingdom. Her parents were born in the Emigrant Kingdom as well. Her siblings and her would-be lovers are from the Emigrant Kingdom altogether. MOTHER Very impressive. Does she have a job? ULYSSES No, she doesn't. MOTHER What does she live of, then? ULYSSES She gets a study grant from the Emigrant Kingdom. MOTHER And from her parents, I presume. ULYSSES The Emigrant Kingdom supports entirely her studies. MOTHER We have decided to cut by half your monthly allowance, Ulysses. ULYSSES Have you? MOTHER Happily for us your brother Climaco has decided to get married in two months. His wedding will cost us fifty thousand pounds. FIF-TY THOUSAND. We must reduce our expenses to organize his party. From now on you must half provide for yourself. ULYSSES But I won't be able to go on with less than five hundred pounds a month! MOTHER You cannot hope we are going to feed you all your life, Ulysses. Need is the school of life. Poverty, the path of resourcefulness-suffering, of manhood. MOTHER (continuing) Send me at least three hundred pounds, Mother! MOTHER (continuing) Alexito got a job two weeks after his arrival to the Emigrant Kingdom. He has a car, a glamorous wife and a family that loves him. ULYSSES Alexito came to the Emigrant Kingdom twenty years ago. I haven't accomplished my fifth month yet. MOTHER Didn't you just tell me that you got a job? ULYSSES No, I didn't. Nobody hires me. I'm from the rainforest. MOTHER That's because you are looking for a bureaucratic position. You should start with a challenging job. To clean toilettes is an outrageous humiliation in the rainforest, but that very job is a gratifying experience in the Emigrant Kingdom. ULYSSES Yes. I've heard that before. MOTHER Alexito started as a chef assistant. Today he is the main waiter of an aristocratic hotel restaurant where he has had the opportunity to serve Lord Hippo and Lord Condor. According to his experience, the farts of the Queen are truly unique. Of course, Alexito studied chemistry. But he prefers to work in a restaurant. His experience proves that in the Emigrant Kingdom there is not work discrimination. You can get a well- paid cleaning job at once--as he did. ULYSSES Alexito? But he started washing dishes and peeling potatos! He still does the same thing today! MOTHER Don't be jealous! To work is not a crime. He even has a house. ULYSSES You have three. MOTHER (stern) The Emigrant Kingdom is a prosperous state. How can you question such a hospitable society? You are full of rainforest resentment. I won't alter my decision. You must find a job. ULYSSES But, what? MOTHER You may deliver pizza from door to door, for instance--as in the movies. ULYSSES But that would be illegal. MOTHER Illegal! There you have another excuse for laziness. Life requires sacrifice, Ulysses. Now listen to me. Go to the nearest Italian pizza shop and get a proper job! ULYSSES I can't do it. I want to be clean. MOTHER Then ask to that girl you have-- Edelminda--to marry you. The light casts over Rosa, who, seated on the floor, lies on the sofa. She, wearing a night gown, watches TV. Ulysses sits down and holds her hand. ULYSSES Rosa. ROSA I will go out for the weekend, Ulysses. My best friend has asked me to visit her. ULYSSES I understand! A lot of fun! I will study then. ROSA Again? That sounds so boring. Why don't you get a friend? ULYSSES You are my friend.
ROSA
Revolutions of the EmigrantI mean… another. ULYSSES I should write an essay on the Kingdom. ROSA How interesting. Now I must pack my luggage. ULYSSES Promise me you are not going to see any man up there. Rosa laughs. ULYSSES (continuing) Would you marry me? Fredo enters: an athletic man wearing a climber outfit. Rosa stands up and kisses him. ROSA I am living with a rainforest country man. FREDO I bet he is obsessed with sex. Those fellows start handling chicks and pigs. What else does he do? ROSA He studies Arts. He wants to be a painter. FREDO The next Pollock, right? Did you meet him at the university? ROSA I just needed someone to share my apartment with. I got the best deal from him. FREDO Beware of those tramps. They do everything to legalize their Emigrant Kingdom residency. |