|
Hugo Noel Santander |
Home>Theatre_plays> |
Civilization
|
||||
|
||||
| ACT I A small table in front of an old sofa. There is a bottle of wine, two cups and popcorn on a table. TV screen and mirror to the right. A hanger with several clothes sets and a shelf with books to the left. The stage is lit by a small window placed as high as possible. ULYSSES crosses the stage. He is a student in his late twenties, who wears colorful clothes. He handles a heavy business bag. ULYSSES Rosa! ROSA (O.S.) Yes? ULYSSES Any mail today? ROSA, a 29-year blonde woman enters with a comb and checks her figure in the mirror. She wears high-heel shoes and a tiny dress. ROSA No. ULYSSES Has any one called me? ROSA No. Ulysses drops his bag on the floor and seats in the sofa. He finds a gun inside it and plays with it. ROSA (continuing) Now that I think about it-yes, you got an envelope. It's on the floor, besides the sofa. Ulysses springs up to her words and looks around. He finds an envelope under the sofa. ULYSSES It's a bill. ROSA Still it's yours. ROSA (continuing) Stop playing with that gun. ULYSSES Why did you buy it? ROSA To protect my ass from intruders, you, silly boy. ULYSSES Guns are made for killing. ROSA Don't lecture me. ULYSSES Are you sure no one has called me? ROSA No one. (pause) Your mom. ULYSSES Huh! He opens the envelope. Rosa combs her hair. ULYSSES (continuing) Are you going to the beach today? ROSA None of your business. ULYSSES I ought to know. ROSA Why? ULYSSES Your dress may get you into trouble. ROSA What do you mean? ULYSSES (having a hard time) You may trip down. Look at your high-heel shoes. Rosa looks at her shoes. ROSA That's not gonna happened. I'm going to visit Samuel. He has invited me to dine at his bungalow. ULYSSES Uh! The CEO? ROSA Better known for his deadly free jumps. Last night he defeated his own record. Did I tell you about his Olympic medal? ULYSSES I know he got one. I got three, did I tell you? ROSA No... ULYSSES Yeah! In 1984! In a monthly football championship. Do you want to see them? ROSA You cannot compare a piece of tin with Samuel's Olympic medal. Stop being jealous! Samuel, after all, may help you to get a job. ULYSSES (sincere) Are you sure? ROSA It's a fact. ULYSSES That would make me so happy! Well, you better go out before it's too late! Ulysses stands up smiling and walks to the right of the stage. He looks at Rosa. He returns to the left of the stage. He looks again at Rosa. ROSA Are you O.K.? ULYSSES Everything all right! Are you driving your car? ROSA I'd rather catch the train. ULYSSES I can drop you at Samuel's bungalow if you want. ROSA That would be so kind of you. ULYSSES I'm sure you would do the same in my place. Rosa smiles skeptical. ROSA I must give you some money--for oil. Rosa exits. LORD LION enters: he wears trousers, necktie and a hat. He handles a blackberry. LION May I ask your banking number, please? Ulysses moves around looking for his bag. He finds it and takes several items from it: books, letters, colorful brochures and journals that he throws on the stage. Lord Lion observes Ulysses' movements with contempt. ULYSSES I'm not sure where I wrote it. Can you wait a second? Where is it? You may take a seat, please. I apologize. Honestly--it's my fault. But even CEOs make mistakes-at least once in a life-time, doesn't he? I mean, don't they? I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Please, relax. Feel comfortable at home. It must be somewhere around here. Now, if you allow me... Ulysses laughs nervously. He finds his wallet and takes a card out of it. ULYSSES (continuing) 41756000000000000 LION Thank you, Sir. For verification purposes, can you give us your circumcision date? ULYSSES Pardon me? LION The day your penis was cut off, Sir. Lord Lion exits. Rosa enters. ROSA Ready to leave? ULYSSES (nervous) I must sign a check first. ROSA No lift, no money. Rosa leaves. Ulysses grasps some documents and walks to the proscenium. LADY Cat, an actress wearing a police officer outfit, crosses the stage. She handles a club in her hands. A plastic lap dog is laced from its neck to her hand. Ulysses steps back to avoid her--too late. CAT You are a guest in Civilization, Ulysses. As a legal alien we expect you to report each morning at the school. ULYSSES (nervous) Excuse me, Mom. I'm lost and... CAT Otherwise, we may think you are trying to disturb our community. In other words, we may suspect you are looking for a job or, what is even worse, working. ULYSSES (nervous) You are mistaken, Mom; I just got a letter. Here I have it... Ulysses searches his clothes--fruitlessly. CAT Civilization law requests the full accomplishment of your duty! ULYSSES I'm so, so, so, so sorry... I intended to go to the immigration services, Mrs. I must extend my IP-33 form. CAT IP-33? I love the color of that form--between yellow and gray. ULYSSES Saffron. CAT Yes! That's the word. I see you are an educated fellow. I will be glad to help you, Ulysses. May I know how long you have been in Civilization? Ulysses looks at his visa. ULYSSES Five months, mom. CAT That's a long time. Out there you see thousands of guys who would like to come to Civilization--even for a day. Our government is extremely kind to allow fellows from laid-back rain-forest countries to study at our universities. Bear in mind that most of them return home after three months only. You are the bearer of an exceptional privilege. ULYSSES Thanks. But my visa will expire in two weeks. Lady Cat snatches the visa from his hands. CAT I'm not surprised. ULYSSES Aren't you? CAT You don't need to go to the Immigration Office. Instead, you should make an appointment with your responsible officer. ULYSSES I haven't had the opportunity to meet him yet. (upset) But, to be sincere with you, I don't want to deal with him. CAT Don't you? May I know why? ULYSSES Well... (whispering) May I tell you a secret? CAT Please... ULYSSES Some aliens told me they don't use deodorant... CAT That's ludicrous. I'm your responsible officer, as a matter of fact, and I smell quite well. ULYSSES That's what I told them. But they also told me all of of you are but ex-mercenaries. CAT They may gossip I blew up a couple of wrong embassies, but I was acquitted. Two emigrants were blamed instead. ULYSSES I trust you, Lady Cat! CAT I'm glad to hear you saying that. Civilization pays me well just to take care of fellows like you, Ulysses. ULYSSES I really appreciate it. I mean, what I said was merely a joke--not mine, of course, but of those, those, those... CAT Aliens have a strange sense of humor. Never mind. Let's look at your form, and see who signed it for sponsorship. Ulysses takes out his wallet and hands a document out to Lady Cat. CAT (continuing) Your sponsor handles your extension request. Even permission to bring your relatives to Civilization! Certain conditions apply. ULYSSES (nervous) A sponsor is a sponsor... CAT That's correct! I see your sponsor is a businessman who donates rusty armament to your country, so that your neighboring states feel obliged to buy us more ULYSSES I think you are wrong. My sponsor is my Mother. CAT (pause, disgusted) Is she? Documents! She points out to his wallet. ULYSSES That's my wallet. Perhaps you are violating my privacy, Lady Cat. CAT Play once more the fool with me and I will issue a D-666 deportation form. Ulysses takes out his wallet and hands it to Lady Cat. She checks it. CAT (continuing) What a lovely picture. A young attractive woman. Is she your wife? ULYSSES My Mother. CAT Good answer. I was testing you. ULYSSES Thanks. Lady Cat studies the letter. CAT You must present a new offer letter from whichever University invited you to study in Civilization. ULYSSES Here I have it. Ulysses hands her a letter, which he takes from his pocket. CAT (reading) I'm impressed. ULYSSES They want me to remain in Civilization, Lady Cat. CAT Sure they want. May I see your bank account statement, please? Ulysses hands a sheet from his pocket. ULYSSES It proves I have enough funds to continue living here, doesn't it? CAT May I ask you a question? ULYSSES Please. CAT How long do you intend to stay in our country? Lady Cat returns him the documents. ULYSSES To be frank with you, all my life. CAT You are bold! ULYSSES Please, understand my situation. CAT What do you intend to do in life? ULYSSES I have always longed to be tycoon. CAT You? ULYSSES Since I was a kid. I want to have limousines and sport cars. I shall owe a house in the beach, another in the mountains, and nine penthouses--one in each of the main capitals of the world. CAT So, you don't deny it! You came here just to make money! ULYSSES I... CAT That's disgusting. ULYSSES But... CAT You can't stay here for long. Permissions to extend visas are up to three years to the utmost. I can see you have been misguided by the digits of our treasure. ULYSSES My ancestors were misguided into the rain forest by a treasure as well. CAT Did they? ULYSSES Five hundred years ago your Queen, Lady Mare the third, sent an entire Happy Fleet to search oil somewhere in the jungle. CAT What are you talking about? ULYSSES Though I'm not sure whether it was oil, gold or red chili peppers. CAT You better go to the gym. I want to see you in shape next week. Lady Cat exits. Ulysses steps back and picks up a book from the shelf. He takes off his shirt and approaches the mirror. Placing the book on the floor he works out while looking at it. By grasping his hands, one against each other, his breathing becomes louder. MOTHER, a 70-year old businesswoman enters. She handles a stick. Ulysses wears on hastily his clothes. MOTHER What are you doing, Ulysses? ULYSSES I am studying. MOTHER Did you just wake up? ULYSSES It's twenty past noon. MOTHER Have you gotten any job? ULYSSES Not yet. (pause) But I will. (pause) I haven't received my monthly stipend, Mother. MOTHER I was told you are living with an atheist. ULYSSES Her name is Rosa. MOTHER Rosa? That's a rainforest name. Couldn't you get something better? ULYSSES Better? MOTHER A girl with a Civilization name. ULYSSES I don't know too many. MOTHER We hear about them all the time: Lady D., ULYSSES Rosa was born in Civilization. Her parents, her siblings and her previous lovers are Civilization nationals as well. MOTHER Her previous lovers? ULYSSES Platonic lovers. She's still virgin. MOTHER Very impressive. Does she have a job? ULYSSES Not really... MOTHER What does she make for a living? ULYSSES She got a tuition grant from Civilization. MOTHER Why haven't you got any? ULYSSES They are for nationals only. MOTHER We have decided to cut your monthly allowance, Ulysses. ULYSSES But, why? MOTHER Climaco will graduate in two months. His party will cost us fifty thousand pounds. Yes, fifty thousand. We must reduce expenses. From now on you will have to provide for yourself. ULYSSES But I can't work! MOTHER You cannot hope we are going to feed you all your life, Ulysses. Need is the school of life. Poverty, the path of resourcefulness; suffering, of manhood. ULYSSES At least three hundred pounds, Mother! MOTHER (continuing) Alexito got a job two weeks after his arrival to Civilization. He has a car, a glamorous wife and a family that loves him. ULYSSES Alexito came to Civilization twenty years ago. I haven't accomplished my fifth month yet. MOTHER Didn't you just tell me that you had a job? ULYSSES No, I didn't. Nobody hires me. I'm a rainforest alien. MOTHER That's because you are looking for a bureaucratic position. You should start with a decent job. To clean toilettes is an outrageous humiliation in the rainforest, but that very job is a gratifying experience in Civilization. ULYSSES Two hundred pounds! MOTHER Alexito started as a chef assistant. Today he is the main waiter of an aristocratic hotel restaurant where he has had the opportunity to serve Lord Hippo and Lord Condor. According to his experience, the farts of the Queen are truly unique. Of course, Alexito studied chemistry. But he prefers to work in a restaurant. His experience provesthere is not discrimination in Civilization. You can get a well-paid cleaning job at once--just as Alexito did. ULYSSES As Alexito? He waits all day on the street, just to feed on garbage! MOTHER Don't be jealous! To beg is not a crime. He even has a house. ULYSSES In a housing project. MOTHER (stern) How can you question the hospitality of the Emigrant Kigdom? You are full of rain forest resentment. I won't alter my decision. ULYSSES Fifty pounds. MOTHER All right. But you must find a job. ULYSSES But, what? MOTHER You may deliver pizza from door to door, for instance--as in the movies. ULYSSES That would be illegal. MOTHER Illegal! There you have another excuse for laziness. Life requires sacrifice, Ulysses. Now listen to me. Go to the nearest Italian pizza shop and get a delivery job! ULYSSES I can't do it. I want to be clean. MOTHER Then ask to that girl you have-- Edelminda--to The light casts over Rosa, who, seated on the floor, lies on the sofa. She, wearing a night gown, watches TV. Ulysses sits down and holds her hand. ULYSSES Rosa. ROSA I will go out for the weekend, Ulysses. My best friend has asked me to visit her. ULYSSES I understand! A lot of fun! I will study then. ROSA Again? That sounds so boring. Why don't you get a friend? ULYSSES You are my friend. ROSA I mean, another. ULYSSES I should write an essay on the Revolutions of Civilization. ROSA How boring. Now I must pack my luggage. ULYSSES Promise me you are not going to see any man up there. Rosa laughs. ULYSSES (continuing) Would you marry me? SAMUEL enters: an athletic man wearing a climbing outfit. Rosa stands up and kisses him. ROSA I am living with a rain forest fellow. SAMUEL I bet he is obsessed with sex. Those guys start handling chicks and pigs. What else does he do? ROSA He studies Arts. He wants to be a painter. SAMUEL The next Pollock, right? Did you meet him at ROSA He is my roomate. I got the best deal from him. SAMUEL Beware of those tramps. They do everything to get their residency in Civilization. ROSA Let's talk about something serious. Are you going to break your own record once again? SAMUEL That depends of the money I get. I already agree to jump three hundred feet without a parachute. Samuel leaves. Rosa returns to Ulysses. Ulysses pours wine into both cups. The Mother enters. Rosa drinks. ULYSSES Taking on account the advantages a stranger gets once he marries a national, you may feel I don't love you. ROSA I can't. MOTHER How dare she! ULYSSES (to his mother) Rosa is involved in several professional projects. MOTHER I don't want a useless son. Now go and talk to the president of the corporation. Ulysses stands up to face his mother. ULYSSES What corporation? Rosa, visibly upset, exits. MOTHER Whichever. Civilization is full of them. Call and ask them for an interview. The mother exits. LORD EAGLE enters followed by LORD COW. EAGLE Who are you? ULYSSES My name is Ulysses Argello. I came to Civilization seven months ago. I have learnt to speak your language with a local accent. Love-ly. Do I get my point across? Re-mark-a-ble. Is it pretty clear? I apologize to promote myself in such a sneaky way. My boss used to say: "This fellow", that's me, "works as a horse". You can rely on me, Sir. EAGLE Do I know you? COW He insisted to talk to you, Lord Eagle. He wants to work as your private toilet cleaner. EAGLE Does he have any experience? COW An impressive record--yes. ULYSSES I used to take care of a battalion's toilet in the army, Sir. 300 men popping in and out day and night. I can assure you I will turn your bath into a shiny nice-looking bowl. EAGLE I like this guy. We need people with initiative. ULYSSES Thank you, Sir. You won't regret it. EAGLE And he has a good sense of humor! Ulysses exits laughing. EAGLE Does he qualify for the position, then? COW He does not have a Civilization working permit, Sir. EAGLE What? That's indecent! You have been wasting my time, Lady Cow. Lord Eagle exits. Ulysses enters combing his hair with a comb. COW I regret to inform you that the position as Lord President's Toilet Cleaner has been fulfilled. Our decision was based on our current needs, and it does not represent, by any means, your personal qualifications as a candidate. We suggest you to keep in touch with our office for further job positions. Our best wishes on your professional career. Lord Cow and Ulysses exit by opposite directions. Darkness. Sound of heavy traffic, car beep and a broken glass. Car lights cast over Ulysses, who lies on the floor. Lady Cat enters. She looks around--searching for possible witnesses. CAT I am afraid I followed you too close. ULYSSES I need to go to a hospital. CAT Damn! Had you not come to this country I wouldn't have hit you! Have you updated all your documents, Ulysses? ULYSSES Sure. CAT Even your health insurance? ULYSSES Health insurance? CAT You must paid a health insurance--that's the law. That way tax-payers don't have to be responsible for your hospital bills. Only, perhaps, a small deductible amount. But never mind, since I was the one who hit you, I will pay any deductible fees from my own pocket. ULYSSES (nervous) Very kind of you, Lady Cat. Lady Cat holds him in her arms. ULYSSES (continuing) How much does a hospital charge to attend someone like me? CAT Depending on your injuries and the amount of time you spend under intensive care. It may cost you over ten thousand pounds a day. ULYSSES That's a fortune! CAT Civilization health care is the most expensive in the world. Over ten thousand pounds a day. Yes! And let's not talk about the X-ray extra-fees. ULYSSES Extra-fees? CAT So, do you have a health insurance? ULYSSES I'm afraid I don't. CAT Just what I feared! You have committed a serious offence, Ulysses. Lady Cat drops him. Ulysses falls flat on the floor. ULYSSES I thought it was not necessary. CAT You better go to the bank and get all the money you can. We'll go to the Hospital! Ulysses stands up limping. ULYSSES Let's just forget about it. CAT I can leave you here. ULYSSES I beg you! CAT That would be unfair! ULYSSES I entreat you! CAT Let me think... ULYSSES I beseech you! CAT You are not a bad boy... ULYSSES I implore you! CAT I will accept your plea, with one condition. Lady Cat kisses Ulysses on his mouth. CAT (continuing) That you come to visit me on Valentine's day! ULYSSES Sure. CAT You are lucky I was the one who hit you, baby! They exit by opposite directions--Ulysses limps. CLIMACO, a 25-year old hippie wearing silk clothes, enters with VIVIAN, a youngster wearing a yellow dress. She carries two baby dolls. MOTHER Uh, Dear Vivian. I am so glad to see you here. Who are these beautiful babies? MOTHER Your grandchildren. MOTHER Really? Uh, thanks. VIVIAN I would like you to take care of them during the weekend. Climaco and I want to spend a couple of days in the mountains. MOTHER You are in your right! But these are your children, not mine. VIVIAN You don't love them! MOTHER I wish I were in Civilization, where the elderly are never bothered by the young. Climaco and Vivian leave the baby-dolls over the sofa. MOTHER (continuing) Would you like to drink a beer? VIVIAN It's too heavy for my stomach. MOTHER A glass of whisky? VIVIAN I dislike whisky. MOTHER A cup of champagne? Le Gelet Mort? VIVIAN If you don't mind. The Mother picks up the bottle and serves her a cup. CLIMACO (with a baby voice) Any news from Ulysses? MOTHER Any. He got into an accident. (pause) But now he is fine. CLIMACO He's sleeping on our pounds. VIVIAN How so? CLIMACO He lives in a luxurious apartment, just in the center of Civilization! MOTHER I cut his stipend--you know it. VIVIAN Will he come to Climaco's party? MOTHER By no means. He may suspect that we are still well-off. After all we have four cars, two trucks, five weekend houses, six apartments, one farm and two manufacturing companies. CLIMACO He should be proud of us. My party is the talk of the Jungle. I don't understand why you still send him money. MOTHER I would have rather send you to Civilization. You don't waste your time in silly activities, such as reading and writing. But you failed all the admission tests. CLIMACO I blame my sense of honesty. A professor tried to black-mail me. Now compare the money you invest in my brother's education with the money you give me. I'm in disadvantage. VIVIAN True. Silence. Sound of a thunder storm. VIVIAN (continuing) Life in the jungle is getting dangerous. There are too many revolutions. We may even lose a farm! CLIMACO We are planning to emigrate, Mother. Climaco lights a cigarette. MOTHER That's a sound decision. VIVIAN Do you think Ulysses will host us? CLIMACO Do not even question it, Vivian. He must do it. Mother smells Climaco's clothes. MOTHER We, after all, invested all our savings in his trip. MOTHER (continuing) Are you smoking again, Climaco? CLIMACO Only once in a while. MOTHER (sobbing, to Vivian) He is often depressed. I hope you are not making him unhappy. Vivian stands up. VIVIAN What have you told her? CLIMACO I don't hide secrets to my Mom! VIVIAN I hate you! The mother pours wine in her cup and drinks, fixing her gaze on the TV screen. Climaco sobs. CLIMACO You were only interested in my money! Now that it has run out you plan to leave me! VIVIAN I can't stand a man who complains all day long! Climaco beats Vivian. Vivian hurts him badly. We listen to a Piazzola tango. MOTHER A good flattering son, you always rely on your mother's word. I wasn't as kind to my mother. I loved dearly, even though she gave me a hard time--agonizing for ten years, day and nigh, in a cracking bed. Now it's time for us to move to Civilization. Let's ask Ulysses for a picture of his bride. I won't accept to be nursed by an overweight ugly girl. She stands up and leaves the stage. Tango music. Rosa and Samuel enter and dance. Ulysses enters by the left with an old cumbersome camera. He sets it up. ROSA If Ulysses likes to kiss his mother's ass, that's his business. I won't play her dirty tricks! She doesn't deserve a picture of me! There is nothing I hate as much as to smile in front of a silly camera. I already told him: "I won't do it! You may insist, but I won't do it!" We haven't had sex since then. Flash. Rosa screams. The music is harshly interrupted. ROSA (continuing; hysterical) Ulysses! You, son of a Cat! I'm talking to you! How dare you? (to Samuel) Did you see? Ulysses did it! He took that pic without my consent, Samuel! Samuel exits. Rosa approaches Ulysses. She slaps him and embraces him. ROSA (continuing) I would like to find someone else, but you are the only one I have! Mother's laugh is heard. Rosa kisses Ulysses. The Mother enters carrying a piece of broken glass. MOTHER (V.O.) I was expecting a silver-hair son when Ulysses was born. Instead, he came out with a reddish face. I washed him in bleach for a week, till he got a couple of blisters. Then I said to myself "well, a red-face fellow still can do it". Ulysses and Rosa eat pop-corn in front of the TV screen. MOTHER (V.O.) Later on, he told me "Mom, I want to study Arts". "Arts?", I asked him. "That's fine, but you are not going to make a lot of money." He didn't listen to me, and there he is, dealing with that cow. Climaco enters. Ulysses and Rosa look at them. CLIMACO (to the audience, smiling) Our business is to sell glass. Ulysses is ashamed of our trade, but without glass he wouldn't had studied at the best schools. It was not knowledge, but cunning, that brought prosperity to our home. After so many years I have come to the painful conclusion that Ulysses is just another loser. He can't deliver glass to any place around the world. They exit. ROSA I am too bored. I am leaving. ULYSSES Would you mind if I go with you? She doesn't move. Ulysses takes out the gun from the sofa. ROSA There is a blizzard out there. ULYSSES The storm of the century. ROSA Bullshit. Stop playing with that gun. ULYSSES Why did you buy it? ROSA I already told you! (pause) Did you send that pic to your mother? ULYSSES They say you are pretty! Rosa stands up in anger. ROSA Am I supposed to believe you? I'm fed up to hear about your family! You are pathetic! You obey them in everything. They abuse you! Were I in your shoes I would have sent them to hell long ago! ULYSSES That may offend them. ROSA So what? Maybe then they will learn to appreciate you a little bit! ULYSSES I can't. ROSA Just because you live out of their money? You better get a job! She exits. ULYSSES Rosa! Ulysses hides the gun and stands up. He walks around the sofa. LORD PIG, a 40-year old man, enters. He pushes a wheel chair, where LORD FOX, a teenager actor, sucks a gigantic lollipop. A block of paper and a pen hang from his waist. Lord Pig wears hat and raincoat. One of his fingers handles a heavy ring with a ruby. Lord Fox wears a swimming suit. Ulysses kneels down in front of Lord Pig and kisses his ring. PIG I asked candidates to cross the nation from coast to coast as a token of their loyalty. But you were the only one who came. Was I eccentric? ULYSSES I'd rather say you were keen, sound, lucid, sane, smart, commonsensical... PIG Thanks! ULYSSES Rational, wise, judicious, shrewd, astute, prudent, careful, gentle-alert! PIG Enough! Thanks! ULYSSES I'm at your service, Lord Pig. FOX Nobody else has come to the convention, Doc. Lord Pig runs to the right corner of the stage. He peruses the audience. He runs to the left corner of the stage. He peruses the sky. He returns. PIG This fellow will do for all of them. FOX But according to this form, we must interview no less than twenty seven candidates. PIG You will write, then, any twenty six names, Lord Fox--wouldn't you? FOX You are so cleaver! ULYSSES So crystalline! Lord Fox scratches names on a notebook. PIG Where are you from? ULYSSES I'm from the rainforest. PIG "I'm"--did you listen, Foxy? I love his grammar! Are you from the jungle then? ULYSSES That's correct. PIG Are you planning to return to the jungle later on? ULYSSES Over my dead body. PIG I appreciate your sincerity. We need trusty fellows. ULYSSES I'm a survivor. PIG I'm listening. ULYSSES Every fifteen minutes a man, woman or child is murdered in my country. FOX That sounds good to me. PIG Do you speak any language besides English? ULYSSES Seven Indo-European dialects. PIG Dialects? ULYSSES I mean, languages. PIG Right. Would you cook? ULYSSES I would be delighted. PIG You are hired, then. Foxy, pass the contract to this rain-forest, courageous cook assistant and meet me on the beach. Lord Fox stands up and passes a sheet and a pen to Ulysses. Ulysses studies the sheet. Waltz tune. Lord Fox drops his body on the foreground and drags his body, as swimming. Lord Pig takes his coat off--beneath he wears a swimming suit. After some hesitation he jumps into the imaginary waters. During the next conversation, Lord Fox and Lord Pig will stage ULYSSES How many pounds will I earn? PIG Five hundred per month. ULYSSES Isn't it very low? PIG Low? ULYSSES I understand! How many hours will I work? FOX Fifty four per week. ULYSSES That's a heavy load. PIG Heavy? ULYSSES I Understand! May I know my working hours? PIG From six in the morning until midnight. ULYSSES (laughing) I love your sense of humor. FOX Me too. ULYSSES (sad ) That's quite a bit? PIG Quite a bit? ULYSSES I Understand! I accept. FOX (to Lord Pig) You haven't asked him to be in charge of my underwear! And what about the deliveries? PIG No need to mention it. Once he signs, he will have to. Lord Pig and Lord Fox exit. Mother and Climaco cross the stage. ULYSSES I got a job, Mother! MOTHER Doing what? ULYSSES I will be a cook. MOTHER Couldn't you be a University Professor? ULYSSES No, mother. MOTHER Have you applied to Harvard? ULYSSES No, Mother. MOTHER What are you waiting for? Ulysses exits. CLIMACO (to the mother, laughing) Do you remember Samuel? The employee who cut his wrist with a broken piece of glass? MOTHER The crook who sued us. CLIMACO He is now our new mayor! MOTHER (almost passing out) O, dear! CLIMACO I must travel, Mom! I must travel! MOTHER Don't forget to correct Your brother's They exit. Lights dim off. The background projects the surreal shadows of a tree. Ulysses and Rosa lie in bed. ROSA I already told you--I can't. ULYSSES What do you want then? ROSA I'm very young. I have some doubts. ULYSSES And what about next year? Are we going to go ROSA I don't know. Maybe I won't love you; maybe you won't love me. ULYSSES (After a silence) You are right. I've been a fool, Rosa. I thought you were... ROSA I'm Lady Bitch. Don't forget it. (pause) ULYSSES Yes, sorry. I though you wanted to love me. ROSA You just wanted to be loved. ULYSSES Yes. How selfish love is. Just like you and me. ROSA Don't I make you happy? ULYSSES I already told you. I feel insecure. (pause) I'd like to say that I have buried my past for you. But that would be a lie. (pause) As to believe that I'm happy now, as to believe in today, as to believe in you, as to believe in my memories and myself. (pause) Our major torture is the future. But, anyway, I'm healthy, I don't have economic problems. He smiles. ULYSSES (continuing) Not yet. (pause) If I'm suffering it is because I chose it. ROSA (tender) I didn't mean I don't love you, Ulysses. Ulysses rests his head on Rosa's breasts. ROSA (continuing) You feel powerless, as every man I know. Ulysses withdraws. ULYSSES Why do you have to compare me with him? ROSA With who? ULYSSES Whoever. ROSA Do you want me to be your faithful bride? ULYSSES Yes! ROSA You are so naive, Ulysses. There you are, offended once again. I'm with you not to make you suffer. ULYSSES I feel you so far away. ROSA I hope you won't be offended, Honey, but your accent is getting worse. Knocks on the door. Ulysses comes out and returns followed by Lord Lion. LION We apologize for the confusion. Sir. I understood 0001. Now I am confident your identity number ends 0000. ULYSSES I was worried, believe me. LION A digit can alter the fate of an entire nation, Sir. What can the FIRST EMIGRANT UNION CORPORATION do for you today? ULYSSES I was unfairly charged thirty pounds on my Lord Lion checks his blackberry. LION You are right, Sir. Your payment was received on Monday the fourth. Your due date was on the first of June. Unfortunately you cancelled your payment too late. ULYSSES If you count weekend days, yes, three days. But only one working day. LION We are so sorry, sir. ULYSSES What surprises me the most, it's that I mailed my payment on the tenth of May. You must have received it one week after. You can check the posting date on the envelope. LION I'm afraid our computers don't take it on to account. ULYSSES That's unfair. LION Our computer system is too stern on this matter. It does not allow us to change your credit balance. ULYSSES Last month I was overcharged as well. LION You are most correct, Mr. Argello. You sent your payment too early. It was received on May the sixth. Unfortunately it was due on the seventh. You paid a day too soon. ULYSSES I mailed it to your company on the fifth! You must have received it on the tenth at least--not the day after! LION If you want to sue us, Sir, we can lend you money to hire a lawyer. ULYSSES Me? Of course, no. LION May I do something else for you, Sir? ULYSSES What would you do if I cannot pay off my debts? Lord Lion looks haughty at Ulysses. ULYSSES (continuing) It may happen. LION I understand. Do you smoke? ULYSSES No. LION Do you drink? ULYSSES No. LION Do you have sex with more than two mates? ULYSSES Uh... No. LION Then we recommend you to sell one of your kidneys. ULYSSES I see. LION Is there something else I can help you with, Sir? ULYSSES No, thanks. LION The FIRST EMIGRANT UNION CORPORATION wishes you a happy day, Sir, and thanks you once again for taking the decision to rely on us. Lord Lion exits. Ulysses looks at his watch and runs on the opposite direction. Lady Cat enters wearing a dominatrix outfit and a whip. Ulysses enters. She whips against the floor. CAT You are late. ULYSSES I was paying a loan. CAT A bank loan? (pause) You are not entitle to request loans while living in Civilization. ULYSSES (playing the fool) What a charming apartment. CAT Feel at home--please. Ulysses sprawls in the sofa. Lady Cat approaches him and caresses him with the whip. CAT (continuing) You are lucky I sympathize with five-feet tall hairy rainforest studs. ULYSSES Hairy? Tall? Stud? Who? CAT You wrote me you want your relatives to visit you. ULYSSES Yes. I intend to invite my brother Climaco to Civilization--while I complete my research. CAT Does he live in a rain-forest barn? ULYSSES He has a barn--yes! But he lives in a CAT And he doesn't have a visa, I presume. ULYSSES Not yet. The immigration service wants to be sure Climaco has enough money to pay his expenses while visiting me. I want to... Lady Cat covers Ulysses' mouth with her whip. CAT You don't have to persuade me. You must prove it. Lady Cat takes Ulysses' head. CAT (continuing; horny) I'm sorry to inform you, Ulysses, but your brother is not a member of your immediate family. ULYSSES I always doubted it. CAT In legal terms, your immediate family is made up of your parents, your wife and your children--that's the law. ULYSSES Climaco won't be happy to hear that. CAT (fast) But you may invite him as your son--as your adopted son. ULYSSES Huh! And, you won't denounce me? CAT How can I denounce such hot stuff! Lady Cat kisses Ulysses. He does not oppose. Red light. They roll over the stage. They scream. They separate. Hard breathing. Lady Cat changes her clothes. CAT (continuing) Aliens! They are all the same! From now on I will work trading babies from the jungle! ULYSSES (gasping) You are a nice woman. CAT You have enlightened me! I will make money--a ULYSSES For the kids? Lady Cat laughs. CAT I need to contact some of your acquaintances. Would you write their names for me? ULYSSES (infatuated) Sure. Ulysses writes down some names on a piece of paper. CAT And don't worry about Climaco. His visa has been issued. Your plan worked well, baby. ULYSSES My plan? CAT I am confident a corporation can hire you. I can even write you a recommendation letter. ULYSSES I'm sorry Lady Cat, but... Ulysses takes out a piece of paper from his pants and reads: ULYSSES (continuing) "Alien research is paid by Civilization State Administration. They expect emigrants to come back to their undeveloped nations in order to expand their global economy". CAT Now, are you going to teach me? ULYSSES That way our... flimsy economy will continue in the hands of... CAT I see you memorized your lesson! I want to see ULYSSES I'd rather stick to the law. CAT Your honesty sounds suspicious to me, baby. ULYSSES I'm a honest man, Lady Cat. CAT Are you? Suppose you marry me. Wouldn't you be able ULYSSES I am forced to be physically present in my country for a two-year period. CAT Too bad. You will regret it. Lady Cat exits with an ironic smile. Ulysses runs to the opposite side. The Mother enters. MOTHER How many pounds do you owe, Ulysses? ULYSSES (O.S.) Twenty five thousand. MOTHER I told you never to accept a loan. Didn't I? Ulysses enters. ULYSSES I had to travel to the Himalayas to get my new job. MOTHER Did you receive the pictures of Climaco's graduation party? ULYSSES Yes. I did. MOTHER I want you to rip them off. All of them. ULYSSES Why? MOTHER (crying) He is going through a divorce, Ulysses. That woman was only interested on Climaco's bank account. Now that we are penniless, she recriminates us for our lack of success. She was a gold digger! ULYSSES Vivian? MOTHER I know Climaco should have realized her ill-intentions before wasting my savings with her. ULYSSES Aren't you a little bit unfair with Vivian? MOTHER (sobbing) I knew you were going to take pleasure on your brother's misfortune! Climaco enters, bruised and battered. He wears rags. CLIMACO Ulysses! My dear bother! ULYSSES Bother? CLIMACO What? ULYSSES You say "my dear bother"! CLIMACO I don't know what you are talking about. MOTHER sobbing) You are so inhuman, Ulysses! ULYSSES Climaco! My brother! Climaco cries. They embrace. CLIMACO I'm so happy to see you! Believe me! My dearest brother! ULYSSES I'm your only brother! CLIMACO I didn't mean to offend you. ULYSSES You haven't. CLIMACO Life in the rainforest is a hell. You, on the contrary, live in Civilization, where the sun shines every day. Ulysses looks at the sky. Thunder. ULYSSES Do you think so? CLIMACO I have decided to move to Civilization before the end of the year. ULYSSES Do you plan to rent an apartment? CLIMACO That would be awful. I plan to share my bachelor days with you. ULYSSES What? For how long? CLIMACO As much as I can. After all Mom paid for quite a while your monthly rent! ULYSSES I need privacy, Climaco. CLIMACO The rainforest stinks. Shut up your fucking mouth--I know you will open that door as soon as you see me! You won't leave me on the street. ULYSSES You don't understand. I live with Rosa. Her real name is Lady Bitch. We share our lives. CLIMACO (to the Mother) Did you listen to him, Mom? MOTHER Have you lost your mind, Ulysses? CLIMACO (to Ulysses) You just hate me because Vivian married me. Climaco exits. Dim lights. The Mother, in a wheel chair, rolls up to the center of the stage. MOTHER (lyrical) Cursed be the night loaded with brief pleasure, when I conceived the scorn of my sad husband. (to Ulysses) It seems to me that it was yesterday when you were born. (sweet) They used to tell me I was younger and attractive. Now they just pity me. Certainly I must have changed. Happy birthday, my son! Today we must celebrate the day I brought you into the world! I know you will like the gift I sent you--three hundred pounds: in cash. Oh, my son, I'm so proud of you. Because you are opening our way into a nation of happiness, aren't you? Her smile vanishes. MOTHER (continuing; angry) Is it true that you don't want to host your brother? Don't be ludicrous! You haven't seen me angry yet! Open your doors to Climaco and be gentle with him--otherwise I won't talk to you anymore! (sweet) After all, you owe me all you are--without me you wouldn't have even exist! (angry) And stop your bitterness. There are many reasons to be happy. Your brother and I have been very hard workers. Full lights. MOTHER (continuing) It is almost nine, Ulysses. Were you sleeping? ULYSSES I worked until midnight. How is your health, Mother? MOTHER Worst. I cannot walk. ULYSSES I would like to come back to the rainforest. MOTHER Don't even mention it! Your life is in Civilization, Ulysses. Your return would be a shame! An offence against all of us! Ulysses! Please! You don't want me to see me crying. I want you to support Climaco--do it as an act of charity. He is going through a hard time. ULYSSES So am I. My boss humiliates me. MOTHER You must respect your superiors! Be humble. If you have problems, it's your fault. ULYSSES How is that if Climaco has problems, it is the MOTHER Don't make fun of me! Your older brother will arrive to Civilization airport tomorrow at five p.m. ULYSSES Tomorrow? He told me he was planning to travel MOTHER He changed his mind. ULYSSES Tomorrow? What for? I haven't discussed this matter with Lady Bitch! MOTHER With whom? ULYSSES My girlfriend. Why didn't you inform me of his trip before? MOTHER I hope you won't be so wicked as to forsake your brother in an unknown country. ULYSSES Do I have any choice? MOTHER Stop bickering on your duties! Your brother just got his first divorce! I almost lost my entire fortune in one month! I had to sell my farm to cover the cost of Climaco's flight ticket. ULYSSES I'm fed up of your tears, Mother; of your talk, of your needs, of your dreams! I'm fed up of this comedy: you, the suffering mother, and I, the obedient son who must stay at any cost in Civilization. MOTHER By heavens! ULYSSES My life is miserable here, Mother. My patience has worn out. Why can't you understand it? (pause) I will fly back to the jungle! Mother cries. MOTHER At least Climaco loves me! Mother cries. ULYSSES Your tears won't do it! Mother cries. MOTHER I know what's behind your bickering! Vivian! ULYSSES (downhearted) Vivian! Please! The Mother stops crying and laughs. Ulysses pushes her out of the stage. Vivian enters. She wears light-blue pants and a leather jacket. She and Ulysses meet, kiss each other and seat one next to each other. VIVIAN When will your brother arrive? ULYSSES Tonight. VIVIAN Will you see me again? ULYSSES Yes. Vivian looks around the stage. VIVIAN We were so happy. ULYSSES I know. VIVIAN Your mother says I am too old for you. You are such a child. ULYSSES I'm just practical. We don't have the means to get married. VIVIAN (ironic) Of course. ULYSSES Climaco is a good worker. He's going through a hard time, though. VIVIAN I see you love him. ULYSSES He is such a smart guy. That's why my mother asked him to go overseas. VIVIAN But he couldn't make it, right? ULYSSES The aptitude test was too hard for him. VIVIAN I would like to live with you, Ulysses. ULYSSES Mom wants to send me to Civilization. VIVIAN I thought... ULYSSES When I told her I'd rather help her with her businesses, she burst into tears. VIVIAN (caustic) And then you beg for her forgiveness. ULYSSES (naive) How do you know it? VIVIAN Do you want to emigrate, Ulysses? ULYSSES She's my mom. I must obey her. I came out from her womb. VIVIAN That doesn't make her better than any one else. My house is yours, Ulysses. It's not a palace--but it's cozy. My parents love you. ULYSSES (pungent) They love my money. VIVIAN You are penniless! Please! ULYSSES So they love mom's money. VIVIAN Why do you believe her? She bursts into tears. ULYSSES It's good to cry. It will heal your wounds. VIVIAN (caustic) I assure you: some day you will regret it. She wipes her tears. ULYSSES I wish you the best, Vivian. VIVIAN (continuing) Tell me about Climaco. ULYSSES He started five careers--but he got tired of all of them. Provincial life doesn't suit him. VIVIAN Are you sure he will love the city? ULYSSES Bogotá is one of the greatest capitals of the jungle! But he may return to Bucaramanga. He's just looking for the perfect woman. Sixty, ninety, sixty--just like you. Mom has promised Climaco the most sumptuous wedding--a one-week carnival with fifty priests and twenty thousand guests. VIVIAN You exaggerate. Silence. They fall sleep. Climaco enters. Vivian screams. CLIMACO Ulysses! What is this woman doing here? ULYSSES Climaco! CLIMACO So, that's how you squander our money! (to Vivian) Would you leave us alone, please? ULYSSES This is my apartment. CLIMACO Mom owns this place; her property is mine as well; therefore, I own your apartment. Climaco peruses Vivian's jacket. CLIMACO (continuing) I remember this jacket. It was your Christmas present. Why is she wearing it? ULYSSES (nervous) It's old. It doesn't fit me. CLIMACO Try it. ULYSSES Now I remember! I lost it in a card game! VIVIAN Ulysses lent it to me, Climaco. CLIMACO (to Vivian) Thanks. I appreciate your honesty. ULYSSES Don't insult me! You are my brother--my only brother. Climaco smiles. CLIMACO You almost make me cry. Climaco exits. ULYSSES I must migrate to Civilization! VIVIAN I already heard you. ULYSSES Mom wants to live overseas. VIVIAN What about me? Ulysses looks at her. She sighs, leaves the jacket over the sofa and exits. Green light. Lights. Ulysses cleans and orders the stage. Lord Pig and Lord Fox enter. PIG Why aren't you at work? You are supposed to leave at nine p.m.! ULYSSES I forgot to tell you. I quit. FOX I told you! Never trust a jungle fellow! PIG I'll ban you from all the restaurants in town! Lord Pig and Lord Fox exit. Climaco enters carrying two bags. CLIMACO Thanks for picking me up at the airport, bother. ULYSSES The least I can do. CLIMACO Your apartment is clean and beautiful. You must be making a lot of money. Do you hire a housemaid? Ulysses picks up his luggage. ULYSSES I spent the whole night cleaning up the place. CLIMACO Did your girlfriend help you? ULYSSES No. She is too dedicated to her work. CLIMACO I see. ULYSSES (nervous) She can spend a whole night at her office. CLIMACO I would like to see her! Where is she? ULYSSES She won't be back until Wednesday. CLIMACO What is she doing? ULYSSES Visiting a friend, I believe. CLIMACO A friend? Male or female? ULYSSES Does it matter? (pause) I have arranged a room for you. CLIMACO Do not move. I am so happy to see you again. Climaco takes the luggage and exits. Rosa enters with Samuel. She carries a wedding dress. ROSA Samuel has registered a new jumping record of 345 ULYSSES A great step for humanity. SAMUEL Rosa! There is something I must tell you. ROSA Ulysses! This is Samuel! Ulysses shakes his hands. ULYSSES Congratulations! SAMUEL Did you already send your CV to my company? ULYSSES I think so. SAMUEL What would you like to do? ULYSSES I'm currently a cook. I guess I lack experience, but... SAMUEL Be frank with me. ULYSSES I would like to work as your Chief Executive. SAMUEL (laughing) You? Our CEO? I love it! I love it! ULYSSES I can even work as your President. SAMUEL You are pulling my leg, aren't you? ULYSSES (laughing) Not at all! SAMUEL (laughing) I love it! ROSA What job would you like to apply for, Ulysses? ULYSSES To tell you the truth... ROSA Toilette cleaner. SAMUEL (earnest) I'm afraid we won't be able to help you. (to Rosa) Starting today I am a full time sportsman. I will tour around the world. ROSA He is so modest! A rope company is paying him one hundred thousand pounds per month. Only to help him in his career! ULYSSES I pity you. SAMUEL I do what I can. ULYSSES Climaco has come to visit us. ROSA (surprised) From the Jungle? Climaco enters. He smiles. ULYSSES He plans to stay with us for five months. ROSA After all the problems he caused you before your departure? ULYSSES Let's say he's changed. SAMUEL (laughing) I love his sense of humor! I love it! ROSA I don't want to host a liar! ULYSSES He's my brother. He is already here. Ulysses points at him. CLIMACO (to Rosa) Nice to meet you, Rosa. You look better than in picture. (to Ulysses) I see you've been talking about me. ROSA He's handsome... SAMUEL I like him! ROSA (to Ulysses) You don't share your life with me at all. You have not asked for my consent. SAMUEL No need to recriminate him, Rosa. He's just a funny guy. Rosa lies on Samuel's chest. ROSA (to Samuel) You are so kind. (to Ulysses) I am flying to New Delhi tomorrow, Ulysses. Silence. ULYSSES (smiling) There is no need to overreact. My brother can rent a room in a hotel near by. CLIMACO What? Climaco exits. ULYSSES Climaco! Wait! Ulysses sits on the sofa. ULYSSES All this must end. ROSA I can't trust you anymore. ULYSSES (laughing) You don't understand. ROSA Samuel and I have decided to live together. SAMUEL Pardon me? ULYSSES I'm so glad to hear it. SAMUEL I must leave, I'm afraid; to Australia. Alone! ROSA Don't be afraid of Ulysses, Samuel. He's just a funny guy. SAMUEL You both are sick! ROSA Why do you reject me? My parents love you, Samuel! SAMUEL You have mistaken me. I just wanted sex--do you understand? Now excuse me. Samuel exits. ULYSSES Sex? (laughing) I want to speak to you, Samuel! Ulysses exits. Rosa drops in the sofa sobbing. ROSA (angrily crying) Once you succeed, you don't really need anyone else in your life! But I'm a woman! How can I succeed? I'm a woman! Rosa takes out the gun from the sofa and exits. ULYSSES (O.S.) Rosa! CLIMACO (O.S.) Ulysses! Four shots are heard. ULYSSES (O.S.) What have you done? ROSA Not I, Ulysses! What have you done? LIGHTS OFF. ACT II A court room slightly lit. 12 Louis-XIV chairs form a semicircle on the backstage. A 11-member jury remains seated: Lord Fox, Lord HYENA, Lord Pig, Lord Eagle, Lady Cat, Lord BEAR, Lord RAT, Lord HORSE, Lady SERPENT, Lord LION and Lady Cow. There are two chairs for Ulysses and the LAWYER, a 90-year old man who makes crosswords, seated on his chair. The judge chair is occupied by Lord DOG. Ulysses, wearing a dark suit and a tie, walks on the stage. Vivian, wearing shirt and skirt, enters from the opposite direction. She counts coins in her hands. Ulysses and Vivian hit each other. They fall and roll over the floor. Vivian's coins bounce over the stage. Ulysses' documents fly in the air. VIVIAN Asshole! ULYSSES Motherfucker! They look at each other in amazement. VIVIAN But, look at you! Ulysses! I fancy you at Civilization! ULYSSES Mrs. Coronaria! I have had to wait one year to process my documents. I was confused, and... Ulysses approaches to embrace Vivian. VIVIAN Don't touch me! Look at my shirt! It's wrinkled! Vivian picks up her coins. VIVIAN (continuing) I must meet a friend in one hour. Why do you wear ULYSSES Mom sent me this dress. VIVIAN It's tight. ULYSSES That's correct. She sends me undersized clothes in the hope I will be obliged to lose some weight. VIVIAN I never picture you in such an outfit. What are you doing here? ULYSSES (nervous) Just walking, Mrs. Coronaria. VIVIAN On a Monday afternoon? Call me Vivian, as you used to! ULYSSES Vivian. VIVIAN Do you still love me? Don't say it! Everybody gets jealous of me sooner or later. I have become an influential lawyer. My enemies fear me. ULYSSES I feel happy for you. VIVIAN I don't believe you. (pause) Am I talking to a senseless wall? ULYSSES Are you upset? VIVIAN Who is upset? Are you upset? ULYSSES You are. VIVIAN I cannot believe I loved you! You are so insecure! ULYSSES Let me tell you something! VIVIAN Still I will help you in your career, Ulysses. ULYSSES Thanks, but it won't be necessary. I am flying to Civilization tonight. Vivian laughs. VIVIAN It sounds familiar to me. Ulysses hands out an envelope to Vivian. ULYSSES This is for you. I intended to send it to you by mail, butbsince you are here, I'd rather give it to you immediately. Vivian receives it. VIVIAN Thanks. What is it? A gift? A bribe? ULYSSES I won't bribe you. My exile is, overall, a political move. Vivian laughs. Ulysses tights his tie. VIVIAN You are playing the detective, aren't you? ULYSSES I will study, on my arrival, a Master on Rainforest Arts. Civilization Administration may offer me an administrative position after all. VIVIAN Promises. After you spent your savings in a rock-and-roll university you will end up cooking omelets and cakes. ULYSSES Civilization encourages his citizens to learn the habits and manners of a third-world rain forest. VIVIAN Stop being naive, Ulysses! ULYSSES Won't you open my envelope? VIVIAN I know its content. Ulysses burst into tears. ULYSSES Why? Climaco enters. VIVIAN Climaco! Ulysses brought us the pictures of our first date! Ulysses takes out a gun and shoots at Vivian. He misses her. She screams. Climaco and Vivian run and exit. The lords applaud. Full lights. Two guards enter, snatch the gun out of Ulysses' hands, shackled him and guide him onto his chair. The PROSECUTOR, a thin tall man, enters. The Lawyer stands up. LAWYER It's the truth! He is innocent! The lawyer returns to his crosswords. PROSECUTOR Thanks, honorable lords! I content that the suspect is not only guilty of the murder of Jake M. Junior, but of several crimes against humanity, all of them perpetrated in his good-for-nothing middle-of-no-where third-world rain-forest country. Silence. Lord Dog strikes noisily his hammer against his table. DOG Order! Order! Order! Now it's time to deliberate. Pause. EAGLE I see it very clear. The suspect accused his ex-lover of lechery. He try to kill her in the middle of the street. BEAR We don't want such scoundrels in our happy nation! The lords applaud. Pause. HORSE The suspect is still a human being. We cannot judge him for a crime he didn't commit. LION You don't try to murder the girl you just dumped! He is a psychotic! HYENA (to Lord Dog) Your Excellency is too kind to judge this man for his previous acts. What counts is the havoc he has caused in our society. FOX I agree with Lord Hyena. The whole world is not our main concern. CAT We must be our main priority! If the world burns, we'll be the last to burn! Silence. SERPENT My heart pounds of rage just to see Jake M. Junior bleeding on an Civilization road! HYENA (laughing) That's my point! Jake M. Junior was only fourteen years old when he died! BEAR Tit for tat! The lords applaud. Pause. PIG May we speed up this trial, your excellency? They'll broadcast the Bobby Awards tonight. CAT The Bobby Awards? SERPENT James Wordsworth and Marlon Hughes are going to wear their four- million-pound suit! COW (euphoric) Who designed it? Ibiza Royal? Open Airbag? FOX Hardy Miller! RAT The designer that foresaw the destruction of the world? BEAR The same one! EAGLE Nonsense! SERPENT Yes! Some people have been waiting for this ceremony in front of their TV for one month. FOX I can not be here any longer, your excellency. COW This may be my last chance to watch James Wordsworth and Marlon Hughes together on the screen. PIG How so? Are you sick? COW I heard they got new lovers! EAGLE Nonsense! James Wordsworth is in the morgue! BEAR No! CAT What happened? EAGLE He was poisoned by his wife this morning. Although, of course, some journalists have wickedly suggested he killed himself by taking a can of drugs--as if the rainforest's drug-lords were not the guilty ones in such a case. FOX (to Lord Dog) I want to see him burning, your excellency! DOG Order! He strikes his wooden hammer. DOG (continuing) I won't tolerate such vocabulary in my court! Civilization citizens are never burnt nowadays. (pause) They are either electrified or injected. The lords applaud. RAT They must be flayed off! DOG Modern law despises such barbaric terms. Criminals must undergo a painless death. ULYSSES Why? Silence. DOG Did he ask why? ULYSSES Why? Silence. DOG You are the least indicated person to question our judicial system, Sir. SERPENT If you have any doubts, read the dictionary. The Dog strikes his hammer. DOG Law forbids dictionaries in court! RAT We can inform our victim of his rights! (to Ulysses) You are our victim, yes! Why ought we pity a murderer? We are not dumb Christians! Not anymore. We are free intolerant thinkers! BEAR (to the Lawyer) I want to see you suffer! I want you to beg mercy before a TV camera. Only, and only then I will enjoy your death! LAWYER I'm not the accused person, Lord Bear. BEAR (blushed) Excuse me. Images of executed victims are projected on the screen. Lord Rat screams in an ecstasy of pleasure--increasing the intensity of his screams as Ulysses speaks. ULYSSES Criminals are fairly treated before their execution because if we see them suffering we'll be obliged to pity them. Citizens of Civilization cannot stand pain. Look at the pictures of a jet-set magazine, where celebrities smile. We are expected to believe they are happy. But, are they? We don't know. We are capable of dissembling our feelings. That fact, among so many others, distinguishes us from animals--who stress rather than conceal, their tribulations. We may pity the agony of a pig, or of a dog--they don't strive for dignity after all. The clean and painless death of a man, on the contrary, is a healthy tribute to order. Without horrendous screams people may even believe that our system is merciful with its victims. Lord Rat screams and faints. Pause. HYENA Now he even instructs us. Silence. Lord Dog strikes his hammer. DOG Order! Silence. PROSECUTOR (to Ulysses) I agree with you, Mister Argüello, although I wouldn't use the same words. RAT Can we condemn the offender, your excellency? DOG Sure. The lords, but the Dog, the Horse and the Eagle laugh. Silence. DOG (continuing) Who believes the legal alien Ulysses, is guilty of murdering Jake M. Junior? All the lords raise their hands, but the Horse and the Bear. DOG (continuing) The trial must continue. The lawyer stands. LAWYER The criminal is innocent! The lawyer sits down. PIG (to the Bear) Why didn't you condemn him? I'd rather watch the Bobby Awards tonight. BEAR Damn! I forgot about them! ULYSSES (raising his arm) May I say something? The prosecutor runs and hits Ulysses in his nose. Ulysses screams and grasps the Prosecutor's neck. The guards seize Ulysses back. PROSECUTOR That man tried to throw me an egg, your Excellency. DOG The prosecutor may continue. The prosecutor makes a gesture to the guards and Ulysses is escorted out. PROSECUTOR My theatre group "Blame the killer" is proud to stage the death of Jake M. Junior! The lords applaud. Lady Cat exits. Climaco enters carrying his suitcase. Ulysses follows him. CLIMACO I cannot believe it! You preferred that woman to your brother! To your own blood! ULYSSES I was about to tell you that I have decided to leave this place for good. Samuel enters. He bears several wounds. His mouth bleeds. He has no teeth. SAMUEL I did it! ULYSSES Are you O.K.? SAMUEL I beat my own record. I jumped from a helicopter without a parachute! CLIMACO Samuel Hardrib! SAMUEL I did it for my family, my country and myself! Listen to me Kid! I got ten million pounds for that jump! CLIMACO Isn't it wonderful? ULYSSES Would you like me to get you a doctor? SAMUEL Are you out of your mind? Where is the media? Call the journalists! I must do it again. I will set up another record: "First man who jumps from a helicopter twice in a day!" CLIMACO What about: "First man who jumps from an helicopter twice in a day, in the company of a newcomer!" SAMUEL That sounds good to me! Samuel laughs and exits through the right flies. CLIMACO I don't need your support! I am in a land of opportunity! ULYSSES Climaco! CLIMACO Leave me alone! Rosa rushes in from the left flies. She carries a gun in her hand. She aims it to the right flies. ULYSSES Rosa! Ulysses holds her from her back. CLIMACO Ulysses! She struggles to get free of Ulysses. In the struggle she shoots four times to the air. ULYSSES What have you done? ROSA Not I, Ulysses! What have you done? Ulysses snatches the gun from her hands. She runs away. Lady Cat enters bearing a lap dog in her arms. CAT (sobbing) Look what you did to Jake M. Junior! The lords applaud. Lady Cat leaves the carcass of Jake on the center of the stage. The guards escort Ulysses back to his chair. Climaco exits. PROSECUTOR The forensic report has been conclusive. Jake M. Junior suffered considerable distress by the shooting of four bullets. He endured a horrendous death. As his heart stopped beating, he agonised on the ground, raising his tiny legs to his last view--a view of the sky that cherished his cute steps twice a day. Human beings are cruel! To die thinking that you won't be able to piss peacefully anymore--that your existence has been destroyed by the zoo-phobic behaviour of a man! But not any man! A rainforest man! Someone excluded from our hierarchical society! Inferior, even, to a bee! Jake, overall, was a beautiful creature, born and brought up in Civilization. As the National Institute of Dog's Family History has proved, one of Jake's ancestors sailed to Civilization on the lap of Christopher Columbus. This is a crime History can't forgive. I humbly suggest to impose the capital punishment on that ungrateful, merciless, carnivorous, lusty alien: Ulysses Argüello! The lords applaud. Ulysses is brought back. The lawyer stands up. LAWYER Nobility title of three letters banned from Civilization. LION Rat! RAT Cat! CAT Bat! FOX Cow! COW Dog! DOG Pig! PIG Fox! LAWYER Starts with «M»! ULYSSES Man! LAWYER Thanks! HYENA Lord Lion LION Yes? HYENA (sly) He even accuses us. LION (loud) I won't tolerate such disrespect! I am a war veteran! Who are you to suggest we are undocumented fellows? Silence. DOG Once more, who believes the legal alien Ulysses, is guilty of murdering Jake M. Junior? All the lords raise their hands, but the Horse. DOG (continuing) The trial must continue. The defense will proceed. LAWYER The man is innocent! The lawyer sits down. EAGLE (to the Horse) Why didn't you condemn him? I'll miss my TV reality show tonight. HORSE I got a Charley horse. ULYSSES (raising his arm) May I say something? The prosecutor and the lords yawn. ULYSSES (continuing) I didn't kill Jake M. Junior. The prosecutor points out to Lady Cat. PROSECUTOR Will you deny the fact that you sustained an affair with his owner, Lady Cat? ULYSSES Me? PROSECUTOR Did you have sex with her? Answer me! Yes or not? ULYSSES Well... The lords laugh. PROSECUTOR In other words, you seduced her in order to obtain a work permit. ULYSSES What? PROSECUTOR Not to mention her entire fortune! (to Lady Cat) Before meeting Ulysses, to whom had you written your will? CAT To Jake M. Junior. PROSECUTOR She loved Jake! As a good citizen, she wanted to ensure a comfortable living to her pet once death do them apart! BEAR That's so touching! PROSECUTOR And, now, Lady Cat, tell us: one day before the death of Jake M. Junior, to whom did you write your will. CAT To Ulysses Argüello. The lords mumble. CAT (continuing; crying) He had promised me to marry me! ULYSSES That's not true! And I never heard of her will! PROSECUTOR Ignorantia non excusat! ULYSSES This is a farce! Lady Cat is a public employee! CAT That's false. Now I'm a baby dealer. PROSECUTOR May I ask you what your legacy would have been? ULYSSES She even doesn't have a car! PROSECUTOR Objection! DOG Allowed. PROSECUTOR (to Ulysses) I will ask you once again: did you conspire against Jake M. Junior? ULYSSES Conspire? I'm not a spy! PROSECUTOR He accepts his guilt. The lords applaud. Lady Cat exits. ULYSSES I recognized the fact that Jake M. Junior died! CAT He was a 14-year-old lad, fed with chocolates, beefsteak and lobster! ULYSSES There you are! With such a heart, I'm surprised he was able to walk by himself! BEAR This fellow doesn't respect the elderly! HYENA I love chocolates! SERPENT I want to enjoy a quiet retirement! What is wrong with it? DOG Order! Silence. COW Can we vote once again? HORSE Before we do it, I would like to ask a simple question to our suspect. DOG Allowed. HORSE Thanks, your Excellency. (to Ulysses) Why did you decide to migrate to Civilization? ULYSSES I wanted to be civilized. CAT That's not true! He told me he came here to make a lot of money! FOX How reckless! HYENA You came to the best country in the world. Are you aware of that? ULYSSES No. Whispers and exclamations. ULYSSES A country should be given without conditions, without a map, without passports. I sigh when I see a country man in uniform turning his nice disposition into aggression--and all by the mere sight of a stamp! HYENA I am amazed our boys haven't shot you yet! FOX He's an anarchist! CAT To the stake! Ulysses looks at the Designer. ULYSSES (raving) I'm guilty! PIG He raves! ULYSSES (sobbing) I kill him! BEAR He is treating us as inquisitors! FOX As judges! SERPENT (to Ulysses) In your opinion, are we virtuous or vicious people? Ulysses whispers. HYENA He said that we are viciously virtuous! COW I'm a worthy citizen. LION I won't tolerate him any longer! FOX He muttered that we rank people as if they were animals! HYENA He even offends us! BEAR I will smash his head against the wall! DOG Order! Silence. Ulysses mumbles. LION Do you believe in the Designer? PIG I must answer to your question. I'm a priest of the order of the Designer. That's my job. DOG The question has been addressed to the prisoner, Lord Pig! Lord Lion slaps Ulysses. LION Do you believe in the Designer? PIG He won't be able to answer your question, unless you provide him with a clear definition of the Designer. SERPENT The entity who created the universe, for instance. PIG If the creation is an act of creation, then... ULYSSES Yes, I do believe. All the lords raise their heads. PIG He's a liar. I've never seen him at my church. FOX (angry) Are you against us? PIG I worship the Designer as well, Lord Fox. It is a profession that allows me to spend my holidays in Greece. But I'm not a creationist. SERPENT I'm an evolutionist as well. I believe That everything evolves out of nothing HORSE I also believe black holes exist. HYENA (to Ulysses) Do you see the Designer as a bearded man? SERPENT With an apple? CAT Is he alone? BEAR Is he the face of authority? COW Does authority has a face? LION How do you define the sentence "The Designer is love"? EAGLE In your opinion, does only love create, whereas hate destroys? HORSE This is ludicrous. Whether I believe or not in the Designer, I didn't expect to discuss his existence in this trial. HYENA I agree. Let's pretend he doesn't exist. LION This man tried to murder his ex-lover in his third-world rain forest. Someone allowed him to enter into Civilization! As a result Jake M. Junior is dead. LAWYER The accused man is innocent! ULYSSES I told you I'm guilty! FOX Now he pretends to be a martyr! (to Ulysses) Shame on you! DOG Order! Silence. HORSE This fellow only wants to take advantage of his crime. BEAR The man is innocent! The lords applaud. DOG (to the audience) Given the special circumstances of this trial, I doubt we can provide the accused with a fair trial. I must ask the audience, then, to vote the innocence or guilt of Ulysses Argüello--those who consider him an innocent man, please, raise your hands! The Dog counts the votes. DOG (continuing) By the authority of Civilization, you, Ulysses Argüello, are declared guilty of manslaughter. I sentence you to seven years in jail! The mother enters, rises from her chair and opens her arms. ULYSSES I did it, Mom! MOTHER Thanks to your crime they allowed me to come in! Ulysses! My dearest son! ULYSSES (crying) Mom! MOTHER Now I may live and die in Civilization. She laughs. The guards take Ulysses away. ULYSSES I did it--didn't I, Mom! I succeeded in life! I brought my entire family to Civilization! The Dog hammers his desk. LIGHTS OFF ACT III Electric post in the middle of the stage. Ulysses, fatter and older, paints a canvas while looking at the audience. TITLE CARD (projected on the back screen) 7 YEARS LATER Can-stick-in-hand Lord Pig, wearing a white suit, enters and leans over the post. He looks fixedly at Ulysses. PIG You! Miner! Ulysses looks around and looks at Lord Pig. PIG (continuing) You! Yes! Do you have a light? ULYSSES I don't smoke. PIG My name is Piggy. ULYSSES (surprised) Pardon me? PIG What a cold day. Have we met before? ULYSSES Certainly not. PIG Pity. What do you paint? ULYSSES A mountain. PIG It's pretty big. Are you new in town? ULYSSES I have been away for many years. PIG Lucky you. I've spent half of my life in this lousy town. Ulysses restarts painting. PIG (continuing) Would you like us to go to a pub? ULYSSES I'd rather be outside. PIG It's sunny, yes. But it's getting cold! FOX (O.S.) Daddy! PIG My goodness! Lord Fox enters with a club. FOX What are you doing away from home? PIG Walking. FOX (to Ulysses) Who are you? PIG He's a painter. I want to hire him. FOX I'm not silly, Daddy! Not any more! You are talking to the murderer of Jake M. Junior. PIG (nervous) Ulysses? I didn't recognize him! I swear I haven't seen him since the trial. (to Ulysses) Did you escape? Ulysses stands up an grasps his canvas. ULYSSES I apologize for the inconvenience. PIG Should we call the guards? FOX He has been just released. PIG So, we can talk to him... FOX You, Pig! I cannot leave you alone! Why do you have to mess up with every guy that comes into town? Lord Pig kneels down. PIG Teach me, Lord Fox! Please, teach me! FOX Yes! PIG No! Please! No! Lord Fox beats Lord Pig with his club. Ulysses, undecided about what to do, observes powerless. Lord Pig lies unconscious. FOX That's enough for today! Lord Fox looks nervously at Lord Pig. FOX (continuing) Let's go home, Daddy. Lord Pig? Are you upset? Lord Fox shakes Lord Pig's body. FOX (continuing) Don't do this to me! Piggy! ULYSSES Is he dead? FOX He doesn't move! ULYSSES Shake him up! Lord Fox drops the club on the ground. Ulysses picks it up. LION (O.S.) Murder! Lord Lion, Lord Bear, Lord Rat, Lord Serpent, Lord Cow, Lord Hyena, Lord Horse and Lord Eagle enter. RAT What have you done, Ulysses? ULYSSES I'm just picking up this club. EAGLE I see seven years in prison are never good enough. HYENA He is a serial killer! COW He must be flayed off! RAT (pointing at Lord Pig) Look at his innocent victim! SERPENT A psychotic has slain him. ULYSSES Just a moment! I'm just an onlooker. (pointing to Lord Fox) He was the one who beat him! Lord Fox throws himself over Lord Pig's body. FOX (crying) He did it! You assassinated him! Piggy, my dearest partner! SERPENT Murdered by an onlooker. BEAR By an immigrant. RAT By an ex-convict. HYENA Now I understand what he meant when I heard him saying that he intended to convert this nation in a non-lord area! SERPENT Did he? LION Did you? ULYSSES Did I? COW How dare you? ULYSSES I swear I don't remember! HYENA He's not only a murderer! He's a liar! Don't you remember Lord Dog? COW Doggy? HYENA Last month his daughter was hit by a car driven by a rain-forest fellow! COW I can't believe it! EAGLE They are all from the same stock! ULYSSES What are you talking about? HYENA He's dissembling! ULYSSES I? EAGLE Nobody criticizes us without paying the consequences, Moron! BEAR Nobody, but me, can criticize my own country! COW Death to the monster! RAT Burn him on the stake! Lord Lion attacks Ulysses, who shields behind his canvas. The canvas falls on the ground. Ulysses flees. BEAR To the train station! Trumpets. The lords, but the Horse and the Rat, step over the canvas and exit. RAT Won't you prosecute him? HORSE We should. The Horse picks up Ulysses' canvas. RAT Why do you sympathize with him? He's a maniac. HORSE I dislike the fellow as much as you, Lord Rat, but we must control our hate. Our community cannot survive without immigrant cheap-labor work. RAT You are always right, Lord Horse! Climaco enters holding a camera. Lord Pig stands up; his face is bruised, his right eye bleeds. FOX Daddy! I thought you were dead! PIG You hit me on the wrong spot. Now I have such a headache! Climaco approaches him. CLIMACO Can we take some pictures of you, Lord Pig? PIG Well... CLIMACO Civilization citizens have the right to know how brutal outsiders such as Ulysses are. FOX Go ahead, please. As they exit, Climaco takes several pictures of Lord Pig. Rosa approaches the Horse and the Rat with a microphone. ROSA (to the Horse) Lord Horse! I want to ask you some questions about this racial incident. HORSE What a pleasure to see you, Lady Bitch. How is your TV show going on? ROSA We'd love to promote another one-million-pound HORSE Another? ROSA Life in hotels and restaurants is rather depressing. We need need to buy a villa. HORSE Toasts and coffee are never good enough! I got your point. RAT Lady Bitch! ROSA Lord Rat! RAT Our office is planning to approve a fifty-million-pound campaign against sun tanning. Can we book some TV ads in advance? ROSA I would be delighted to help you, Lord Rat. (to the Horse) Excuse me, Lord Horse! (to the Rat) Do you believe this attack was racially motivated? RAT It just displays what we, citizens of Civilization, have feared for many years. Newcomers are turning this land in a nation of half-breed fellows. ROSA What do you mean with "half-breed". RAT They want to melt us into races with uncertain ancestry. "Racial impurity is the most conspicuous sign of decadence", wrote my friend Adolph the Hun. He was a prophet. ROSA What do you say to your rivals, who affirm Lords consider themselves superior to any regular citizen. RAT Certainly. I'm Lord Rat, the son of Lord Rat, grandson of Lord Rat, son, son of his. ROSA Scientists affirm that humanity came originally from the rain-forest. Do you agree with them? RAT Nonsense! I presume those scientists are half-breed. I'd rather believe Arthur C. Clark and Stanley Kubrick, who believe that a UFO brought intelligence from the sky. The monkey who threw up the bone was a Lord, and he threw it from Civilization up to the moon! The rain-forest? My ass! Those mongrels don't have spaceships as we do! And they will never have--because we won't allow them to cut their trees--we need them to breathe. Look at me! Am I related to any of those animals? ROSA Certainly no! How can we distinguish Lords from animals? RAT By culture. How can you distinguish peasants and workers from slaves? ROSA (laughing) Right! RAT These immigrants, or children of immigrants--what's the difference?, should be locked up, turned straight round at the nearest port, and sent back to from whence they came once. ROSA Thanks, Lord Rat, for your enlightening thoughts. RAT Thanks to you Lady Bitch. You'll get your check by the end of this week. ROSA This was Lord Rat, interrupting his holidays to defend our culture. Now back to studio, where our models will show us a report about the incoming national campaign against sun tanning. Music. Darkness. ULYSSES (O.S.) Help! Knocks on a door. Lights on. Samuel, blind and handicap, enters seated on a wheel chair. SAMUEL Who knocks? ULYSSES (O.S.) Open the door! SAMUEL It's open. Ulysses, battered and bleeding enters. ULYSSES Where is my Mother? SAMUEL (O.S.) Who are you? ULYSSES They want me! SAMUEL Dolly! YOUNG MOTHER (O.S.) Samuel! 15-year-old YOUNG MOTHER enters. SAMUEL Call the police, Dolly! YOUNG MOTHER Ulysses! ULYSSES Who are you? YOUNG MOTHER Don't you recognise me? Of course! How can you? (to Samuel) Don't worry, Sammy. This is Ulysses, my son. ULYSSES Mother? SAMUEL Your son? Ulysses the killer? YOUNG MOTHER Yes! I forgot to tell you; he got out of prison last week. (to Ulysses) Don't look at me like that, my son. I feel awful when I have to explain to people what I have gone through. ULYSSES Where is my mom? SAMUEL Don't talk like that to my wife! YOUNG MOTHER Don't be rude, darling! (to Ulysses) I'm your mother, Ulysses. Seven years in jail should have been a terrible experience. Aren't you proud of my sexy appearance? ULYSSES Where is my mother? Do I know you? SAMUEL Her carcass was burnt. ULYSSES What? You murdered her! YOUNG MOTHER Don't be silly! I just had a body implant. ULYSSES Body implant? YOUNG MOTHER Or brain imnsplant--it depends on the point of view you want to look at it from, of course. It's the last fashion in medicine. One day my doctor told me I needed a new heart, two new lungs and a kidney. My condition was critical--you know, smoking, drinking and so on. For a couple of hours I thought I was going to die. But then--thank the Designer--the nurse asked me whether I was one of the one hundred wealthiest women in this country. I answer positively--as you know, I have made a modest fortune humiliating people in my TV show. The doctor, then, inform me that, due to the high rate of child casualties in third-world rain-forest hospitals, I could buy a healthy body for myself. At the beginning I was so scared, but then I thought, why not trying? So they took out the brain of my old carcass and put it in this beautiful, gorgeous body. Isn't it wonderful? ULYSSES I never heard of that. SAMUEL How could you? You are a convict! ULYSSES I don't believe you! YOUNG MOTHER Body transplants are the best kept secret in our nation, Ulysses. Can you imagine the reaction of the mob if someone tells them that now you can change your body? ULYSSES But, why? Is not one life good enough! YOUNG MOTHER Don't lecture us. You are such a boy. Think of all the embarrassment you cause to Climaco and me. ULYSSES Climaco? Where is he? YOUNG MOTHER He has become a famous TV reporter. I admire his courage. Every week he haunts criminals with a video camera. ULYSSES (pointing out at Samuel) I know this man! Samuel! He used to jump from a helicopter without a parachute. YOUNG MOTHER We met each other at the Hospital. Isn't it romantic? ULYSSES What? YOUNG MOTHER Samuel himself is going to change his body. We are just waiting for the right fellow to die. It's so hard to agree. He'd rather someone of my type, but I love green eyes, light skin and curly silver hair. SAMUEL Such fellows don't die every day, Honey. We'll end up buying one of those dark-skin guys--they look just like your son. I cannot wait to set up my new record! ULYSSES You are sick! You both are sick! YOUNG MOTHER Don't be reactionary, Ulysses. Knocks on the door. BEAR (O.S.) Open the door! SAMUEL Who's it? HYENA (O.S.) You are sheltering a criminal! YOUNG MOTHER There should be a mistake. You just came out from prison, Ulysses, didn't you? ULYSSES They are accusing me of attacking a man with a club, Mother! Knocks on the door. SAMUEL Another? ULYSSES You, shut up! YOUNG MOTHER Respect your father, Ulysses. ULYSSES My father? YOUNG MOTHER Well, not quite yet. We plan to get married next year. Knocks on the door. ULYSSES I need to escape, mom! YOUNG MOTHER I won't shelter a criminal--even if you are my own son. ULYSSES They will kill me! YOUNG MOTHER Wouldn't it be lovely, Samuel, to use Ulysses' body for your brain? SAMUEL He's too old. Knocks on the door. PIG (O.S.) We will thrown down your door! SAMUEL It's open! Ulysses exits. YOUNG MOTHER He escapes! The lords cross the stage bearing clubs and weapons. Young Mother and Samuel follow them. A slide of Ulysses' canvas is projected on the screen: a landscape scratched all over by nails--it carries the imprints of heavy shoes. Lord Hyena enters holding a stick in his hands. HYENA Argüello imposes importance both for his art--painting, and for his subject--landscape. The impositions are crude, familiar, plausible. But they hardly prepare us for the scale and virtuosity with which he conjures up the ultimate subjects: mountains, lost winds, apocalypse, the last days of mankind. Leavening romantic grandiosity with modernist ironies, Argüello offers a painting about painting: evoking "the big scratch" called history in a variety of dramatic modes--fairy colours, steps, amoral tragedy, magic sunset, philosophical landscapes--with an imagery cast of tens of millions of seconds spent in prison and, as protagonist, murder itself. Full lights. Lord Rat and Lord Horse enter with the painting. They show it to the public. HYENA (continuing) Who offers one million pounds? Two millions? The pharmacist on the left offers twenty. What about you, Lord Ostrich? Forty? Eighty millions? One hundred! Three hundred! Six hundred the lady with the rose tattoo! Ladies and gentlemen! This is the most expensive painting ever sold! Al the laundryman offers one billion! One billion two, one billion three! Sold for one billion to Al the laundryman! Lord Hyena takes the canvas and exit. RAT Our criminal has become a pop art star. HORSE I must admit I'm impressed by his talent. RAT Perhaps we should forgive him for his crimes. HORSE I have thought about that, but I'm afraid it will depreciate the value of his works. I have a better idea, but we should find him first, before the honorable lords condemn him and inject him. Lord Rat and Lord Horse exit. Sound of babies crying. Vivian and Lady Cat enter. They both carry baby dolls in their arms. VIVIAN Did you close all the curtains? CAT All of them. VIVIAN Here we'll be fine, then. They both suckle their baby dolls. Sound of babies crying fades away. All of a sudden Ulysses enters--battered and bleeding. ULYSSES Help! VIVIAN Ulysses! CAT What are you doing here? ULYSSES Vivian! Weren't you dead? CAT You are wanted everywhere! VIVIAN Leave me alone! CAT Call the police, Vivian. Ulysses sits on the ground and laughs madly. ULYSSES (angry) Yes, call the police, before I blow up the entire nation! Lord Eagle, Lord Bear, Lord Cow, Lord Serpent, Lord Hyena and Lord Lion enter. Lord Bear and Lord Lion grasp Ulysses. BEAR You make a terrible mistake! Nobody can escape from the hands of Civilization! HYENA Beat him! Kill him! Smash his head against the wall! COW (to Cat and Vivian) What the hell is going on here? All the lords look at Lady Cat and Vivian, who, intimidated, take their babies away from their breasts. Sound of babies crying. HYENA Did you see those mothers? They are suckling their babies! LORDS Incest! VIVIAN No! EAGLE We caught you, Mom! You won't deny your crime! Yes! You were taking part in a primitive ritual. You both were violating the civil rights of two innocent babies! DOG Take their babies away from them! Lord Bear and Lord Lion drop Ulysses on the floor and grasp Lady Cat and Vivian. Lord Cow and Lord Hyena take the babies away from them. CAT What you say is not true! We were nurturing them! VIVIAN My babies! SERPENT She just called them "my babies". COW I always wanted to have a lad without enduring the pains of birth. HYENA Aren't they cute? COW You must feed them with a hygienic, non-sensitive piece of plastic! Lord Cow takes two baby's bottles from her coat and puts them into the baby-doll mouths. SERPENT (to Vivian) You both are guilty of incest! Of moral decadence! EAGLE Be sincere with us. Confess us that you experienced pleasure as you fed the babies. Confess us that you really enjoyed an erotic experience. COW I call it pornography! HYENA These women must be injected! A rope falls from the Designer. Lord Hyena throws the baby doll over the floor. He ties a hanging knot. VIVIAN We were only feeding two babies. COW Don't question us, little lady! You are spreading promiscuity! VIVIAN But those babies are not ours! LION Aren't they? VIVIAN Our business is to sell babies--from the rain-forest! BEAR It's true! I saw them in TV! COW How lovely! The cow picks up the babies and returns them to Vivian and Lady Cat. EAGLE In such a case you are not committing incest. SERPENT By no means. Vivian and Lady Cat exit. ULYSSES I'm going to kill you all! HYENA He's mad! Lord Lion and Lord Bear grasp Ulysses by his shoulders. They place the knot around his neck. ULYSSES (raving) You can blame me of all the crimes I'll commit after my death as well! HYENA To the stake! LION We are so happy to see we were always right. Lord Horse and Lord Rat enter. The former holds a paper in his hands, the latter a crocodile mask. HORSE The congress and parliament of Civilization has granted a life pardon to Ulysses Argüello! RAT Now promoted as Lord Crocodile! Lord Dog snatches the document from Lord Horse's hands. Lord Rat fits a crocodile mask on Ulysses' face. HYENA (to Lord Bear) You better act quickly. DOG For his outstanding contribution to the arts? RAT As a retribution, Lord Crocodile must spent two years in the front--battling rain-forest newcomers. After all, now he's one of us! Seven years in prison can change the nature of a man. COW That's wonderful! May I invite you to dine at home, Lord Crocodile? HORSE Think about it this way, Lord Dog: Ulysses will paint fifty apocalyptic landscapes per year; each of them will be sold for 1 million pounds, and we will tax him up for upto eighty per cent of its raw value. DOG That's fabulous! HYENA Hang him up! Now! Music. Ulysses jumps over the stage and sings. Climaco, Young Mother, Samuel and Vivian enter. Choreography. LORDS That's Civilization Where all newcomers end Even if you don't know How to trick and mend CLIMACO My wife asked me two pounds We split up, for I had one Since then everything sounds I'm as handsome as a swan LORDS That's Civilization Where all newcomers end Even if you don't know How to kick and mend YOUNG MOTHER My husband was a pig My children spilled milk Now I change every week To get my drum and silk LORDS That's Civilization Where all newcomers end Even if you don't know How to trick and mend SAMUEL Fine fellows never work As dandy I will die Give me a body, you'll get blood As a demon I won't lie LORDS That's Civilization Where all newcomers end Even if you don't know How to kick and mend VIVIAN Men deceived me once Now I deceived women and men Selling children is my trade They sell better than cocaine LORDS That's Civilization Where all newcomers end Even if you don't know How to trick and mend ROSA My lover kicked me once Now he kicks himself alone From the jungle to the nation I say the truth in TV sets LORDS That's Civilization Where all newcomers end Even if you don't know How to kick and mend ULYSSES When I was a jungle lad Death was hanging on my head As a Colonialist Lord I hang death on other's necks LORDS That's Civilization Where all newcomers end Even if you don't know How to trick and mend LIGHTS OFF |
||||
Hugo Santander
2009 © All rights reserved