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Civilization |
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Civilization by HUGO SANTANDER ACT I A small table in front of an old sofa. There is a bottle of wine, two cups and popcorn on a table. TV screen and mirror on the right; hanger with clothes on the left. Towards the center we see an easel that sustains a canvas covered by a blanket, and a shelf with worn-out pocket books. The stage is lit by a small window placed as high as possible. ULYSSES crosses the stage. He is a student in his late twenties, who wears colorful clothes. He handles a heavy business bag. ULYSSES Rosa! ROSA (O.S.) Yes? ULYSSES Any mail today? ROSA, a 29-year blond woman enters with a comb and checks her figure in the mirror. She wears high-heel shoes and a tiny dress. ROSA No. ULYSSES Has any one called me? ROSA No. Ulysses drops his bag on the floor and seats in the sofa. He finds a gun inside it and plays with it.
ROSA (continuing) Now that I think about it-yes, you got an envelope. It's on the floor, besides the sofa. Ulysses springs up to her words and looks around. He finds an envelope under the sofa. ULYSSES It's a bill. ROSA Still it's yours. ROSA (continuing) Stop playing with that gun. ULYSSES Why did you buy it? ROSA To protect my ass from intruders, you, silly boy. ULYSSES Guns are made for killing. ROSA Don't lecture me. ULYSSES Are you sure no one has called me? ROSA No one. (pause) Your mom. ULYSSES Huh! He opens the envelope. Rosa combs her hair.
ULYSSES (continuing) Are you going to the beach today? ROSA None of your business. ULYSSES I ought to know. ROSA Why? ULYSSES Your dress may get you into trouble. ROSA What do you mean? ULYSSES (having a hard time) You may trip down. Look at your high-heel shoes. Rosa looks at her shoes. ROSA That's not gonna happened. I'm going to visit Samuel. He has invited me to dine at his bungalow. ULYSSES Uh! The CEO? ROSA Better known for his deadly free jumps. Last night he defeated his own record. Did I tell you about his Olympic medal? ULYSSES I know he got one. I got three, did I tell you? ROSA No...
ULYSSES Yeah! In 1984! In a monthly football championship. Do you want to see them? ROSA You cannot compare such rubbish with Samuel's Olympic medal. Stop being jealous! Samuel, after all, may help you to get a job. ULYSSES (sincere) Are you sure? ROSA It's a fact. ULYSSES That would make me so happy! Well, you better go out before it's too late! Ulysses stands up smiling and walks to the right of the stage. He looks at Rosa. He returns to the left of the stage. He looks again at Rosa. ROSA Are you O.K.? ULYSSES Everything all right! Are you driving your car? ROSA I'd rather catch the train. ULYSSES I can drop you at Samuel's bungalow if you want. ROSA That would be so kind of you. ULYSSES I'm sure you would do the same in my place. Rosa smiles skeptical.
ROSA I must give you some money--for oil. Rosa exits. LORD LION enters: he wears trousers, necktie and a hat. He handles a blackberry. LION May I ask your banking number, please? Ulysses moves around looking for his bag. He finds it and takes several items from it: books, letters, colorful brochures and journals that he throws on the stage. Lord Lion observes Ulysses' movements with contempt. ULYSSES I'm not sure where I wrote it. Can you wait a second? Where is it? You may take a seat, please. I apologize. Honestly--it's my fault. But even CEOs make mistakes-at least once in a life-time, doesn't he? I mean, don't they? I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Please, relax. Feel comfortable at home. It must be somewhere around here. Now, if you allow me... Ulysses laughs nervously. He finds his wallet and takes a card out of it. ULYSSES (continuing) 41756000000000000 LION Thank you, Sir. For verification purposes, can you give us your circumcision date? ULYSSES Pardon me? LION The day your penis was cut off, Sir. Lord Lion exits. Rosa enters.
ROSA Ready to leave? ULYSSES (nervous) I must sign a check first. ROSA No lift, no money. Rosa leaves. Ulysses grasps some documents and walks to the proscenium. LADY Cat, an actress wearing a police officer outfit, crosses the stage. She handles a club in her hands. A plastic lap dog is laced from its neck to her hand. Ulysses steps back to avoid her--too late. CAT You are a guest in Civilization, Ulysses. As a legal alien we expect you to report each morning at the school. ULYSSES (nervous) Excuse me, Mom. I'm lost and... CAT Otherwise, we may think you are trying to disturb our community. In other words, we may suspect you are looking for a job or, what is even worse, working. ULYSSES (nervous) You are mistaken, Mom; I just got a letter. Here I have it... Ulysses searches his clothes--fruitlessly.
CAT Civilization law requests the full accomplishment of your duty! ULYSSES I'm so, so, so, so sorry... I intended to go to the immigration services, Mrs. I must extend my IP-33 form. CAT IP-33? I love the color of that form--between yellow and gray. ULYSSES Saffron. CAT Yes! That's the word. I see you are an educated fellow. I will be glad to help you, Ulysses. May I know how long you have been in Civilization? Ulysses takes out his passport and looks at his visa. ULYSSES Five months, mom. CAT That's a long time. Out there you see thousands of guys who would like to come to Civilization--even for a day. Our government is extremely kind to allow fellows from laid-back rain-forest countries to study at our universities. Bear in mind that most of them return home after three months of geographical pleasure. You are the bearer of an exceptional privilege. ULYSSES Thanks. But my visa will expire in two weeks. Lady Cat snatches the visa from his hands.
CAT I'm not surprised. ULYSSES Aren't you? CAT You don't need to go to the Immigration Office. Instead, you should make an appointment with your responsible officer. ULYSSES I haven't had the opportunity to meet him yet. (upset) But, to be sincere with you, I don't want to deal with him. CAT Don't you? May I know why? ULYSSES Well... (whispering) May I tell you a secret? CAT Please... ULYSSES Some aliens told me they are all sex-addicts... CAT That's ludicrous. I'm your responsible officer, as a matter of fact, and I know how to have a grip of myself. I just whitened my teeth. ULYSSES That's what I told them. But they also told me all of of you are but ex-mercenaries.
CAT They may gossip I blew up a couple of wrong embassies, but I was acquitted. Two emigrants were blamed instead. ULYSSES I trust you, Lady Cat! CAT I'm glad to hear you saying that. Civilization pays me well just to take care of fellows like you, Ulysses. ULYSSES I really appreciate it. I mean, what I said was merely a joke--not mine, of course, but of those, those, those... CAT You, aliens, have a strange sense of humor. Never mind. Let's look at your form, and see who signed it for sponsorship. Ulysses takes out his wallet and hands out a document to Lady Cat. CAT (continuing) Your sponsor handles your extension request. Even permission to bring your relatives to Civilization! Certain conditions apply. ULYSSES (nervous) A sponsor is a sponsor... CAT That's correct! I see your sponsor is a businessman who donates rusty armament to your country, so that your neighboring states feel obliged to buy us more sophisticated weapons.
ULYSSES I think you are wrong. My sponsor is my Mother. CAT (pause, disgusted) Is she? Documents! She points out to his wallet. ULYSSES That's my wallet. Perhaps you are violating my privacy, Lady Cat. CAT Play once more the fool with me and I will issue a D-666 deportation form. Ulysses takes out his wallet and hands it to Lady Cat. She checks it. CAT (continuing) What a lovely picture. A young attractive woman. Is she your wife? ULYSSES My Mother. CAT Good answer. I was testing you. ULYSSES Thanks. Lady Cat studies the letter. CAT You must present a new offer letter from whichever University invited you to study in Civilization. ULYSSES Here I have it.
Ulysses hands her a letter, which he takes from his pocket. CAT (reading) I'm impressed. ULYSSES They want me to be part of Civilization, Lady Cat. CAT Sure they want. May I see your bank account statement, please? Ulysses hands out a sheet from his pocket. ULYSSES It proves I have enough funds to continue living here, doesn't it? CAT May I ask you a question? ULYSSES Please. CAT How long do you intend to stay in our country? Lady Cat returns him the documents. ULYSSES To be frank with you, all my life. CAT You are bold! ULYSSES Please, understand my situation. CAT What do you intend to do in life?
ULYSSES I have always longed to be tycoon. CAT You? ULYSSES Since I was a kid. I want to have limousines and sport cars. I shall owe a house in the beach, another in the mountains, and nine penthouses--one in each of the main capitals of the world: New York, LA, London, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Paris, Vienna, Rome, Tokyo. CAT So, you don't deny it! You came here just to make money! ULYSSES I... CAT That's disgusting. ULYSSES But... CAT You won't stay here for long. Permissions to extend visas are up to three years to the utmost. I can see you have been misguided by the digits of our treasure. ULYSSES My ancestors were misguided into the rain forest by  a treasure as well. CAT Did they? ULYSSES Five hundred years ago your Queen, Lady Mare the third, sent an entire Happy Fleet to search oil somewhere in the jungle.
CAT What are you talking about? ULYSSES Though I'm not sure whether it was oil, gold or red chili peppers. CAT You better go to the gym. I want to see you in shape next week. Lady Cat exits. Lord HYENA, a man in his late sixties, enters. He wears a black suit  and white gloves. HYENA Did you finish your canvas? ULYSSES Here you are! Ulysses takes off the blanket from the canvas, unveiling a pink and violet flat surface. ULYSSES It only requires my signature! HYENA But, by God! ULYSSES Its conceptualization was not as easy as you may think, believe me. For weeks I tried all kinds of shapes and colors, multidimensional and holographic, in order to express the vividness, the freshness of... HYENA And I already paid you one hundred nobles! ULYSSES I call it "Horses trotting on a prairie"
HYENA I know! That what it was supposed to be! ULYSSES Don't you like it? It's an abstraction. I'm a modern artist, and you could see that... HYENA You'll pay for this! I swear it! You'll pay for this! Lord Hyena exits. Ulysses returns to the canvas and covers it with the blanket. Then he laughs. MOTHER, a 70-year old businesswoman enters. She handles a stick. Ulysses wears on hastily his clothes. MOTHER What are you doing, Ulysses? ULYSSES I am studying. MOTHER Did you just wake up? ULYSSES It's twenty past noon. MOTHER Have you gotten any job? ULYSSES Not yet. (pause) But I will. (pause) I haven't received my monthly stipend, Mother. MOTHER I was told you are living with an atheist.
ULYSSES Her name is Rosa. MOTHER Rosa? That's a rain forest name. Couldn't you get something better? ULYSSES Better? MOTHER A girl with a Civilization name. ULYSSES I don't know too many. MOTHER We hear about them all the time: Lady D., Melanie, Britney. ULYSSES Rosa was born in Civilization. Her parents, her siblings and her previous lovers are Civilization nationals as well. MOTHER Her previous lovers? ULYSSES Platonic lovers. She's still virgin. MOTHER Very impressive. Does she have a job? ULYSSES Not really... MOTHER What does she make for a living? ULYSSES She got a tuition grant from Civilization.
MOTHER Why haven't you got any? ULYSSES They are for nationals only. MOTHER I have decided to take care of your investments, Ulysses. ULYSSES But, why? MOTHER Climaco will graduate in two months. His party will cost us fifty thousand nobles. Yes, fifty thousand. We must reduce expenses. From now on you will have to provide for yourself. ULYSSES But I can't work! MOTHER Your inheritance won't feed you all your life, Ulysses. Need is the school of life. Poverty, the path of resourcefulness; suffering, of manhood. ULYSSES At least three hundred nobles, Mother! MOTHER (continuing) Alexito got a job two weeks after his arrival to Civilization. He has a car, a glamorous wife and a family that loves him. ULYSSES Alexito came to Civilization twenty years ago. I haven't accomplished my fifth month yet. MOTHER Didn't you just tell me that you had a job?
ULYSSES No, I didn't. Nobody hires me. I'm a rain forest alien. MOTHER That's because you are looking for a bureaucratic position. You should start with a decent job. To clean toilettes is an outrageous humiliation in the rain forest, but that very job is a gratifying experience in Civilization. ULYSSES Two hundred nobles! MOTHER Alexito started as a chef assistant. Today he is the main waiter of an aristocratic hotel restaurant where he has had the opportunity to serve Lord Hippo and Lord Condor. According to his experience, the farts of the Queen are truly unique. Of course, Alexito studied chemistry. But he prefers to work in a restaurant. His experience proves there is not discrimination in Civilization. You can get a well-paid cleaning job at once--just as Alexito did. ULYSSES As Alexito? He waits all day on the street, just to feed on garbage! MOTHER Don't be jealous! To beg is not a crime. He even has a house. ULYSSES In a housing project. MOTHER (stern) How can you question the hospitality of Civilization? You are full of rain forest resentment. I won't alter my decision.
ULYSSES Fifty nobles. MOTHER All right. But you should sign a document authorizing me to manage your inheritance. ULYSSES But, what? MOTHER You may deliver pizza from door to door, for instance--as in the movies. ULYSSES That would be illegal. MOTHER Illegal! Is that another name for laziness? Life requires sacrifice, Ulysses. Now listen to me. Go to the nearest Italian pizza shop and get a delivery job! ULYSSES I can't do it. I want to be clean. MOTHER Then ask to that girl you have-- Edelminda--to marry you. The light casts over Rosa, who, seated on the floor, lies on the sofa. She, wearing a night gown, watches TV. Ulysses sits down and holds her hand. ULYSSES Rosa. ROSA I will go out for the weekend, Ulysses. My best friend has asked me to visit him.
ULYSSES I understand! A lot of fun! I will study then. ROSA Again? That sounds so boring. Why don't you get a friend? ULYSSES You are my friend. ROSA I mean, another. ULYSSES I should finish my canvas. ROSA How boring. Now I must pack my luggage. ULYSSES Promise me you are not going to see any man up there. Rosa laughs. ULYSSES (continuing) Would you marry me? SAMUEL enters: an athletic man wearing a climbing outfit. Rosa stands up and kisses him. ROSA I am living with a rain forest fellow. SAMUEL I bet he is obsessed with sex. Those guys start handling chicks and pigs. What does he do? ROSA He studies arts.
SAMUEL The next Pollock, right? Did you meet him at the university? ROSA We share an apartment. I got the best deal from him. SAMUEL Beware of those tramps. They do everything to get their residency in Civilization. ROSA Let's talk about something serious. Are you going to break your own record once again? SAMUEL That depends of the money I get. I already agreed to jump three hundred feet without a parachute. Samuel leaves. Rosa returns to Ulysses. Ulysses pours wine into both cups. The Mother enters. Rosa drinks. ULYSSES Taking on account the privileges an  alien gets once he marries a national, you may suspect I don't love you. ROSA I can't marry you. MOTHER Won't you be able to get her? ULYSSES (to his mother) Rosa is involved in several professional projects. MOTHER I don't want a useless son. Now go and talk to the president of the corporation. Ulysses stands up to face his mother.
ULYSSES What corporation? Rosa, visibly upset, exits. MOTHER Whichever. Civilization is full of them. Call them and ask them for an interview. The mother exits. LORD EAGLE enters followed by LORD COW. EAGLE Who are you? ULYSSES My name is Ulysses Arg├╝ello. I came to Civilization seven months ago. I have learnt to speak your language with a local accent. Love-ly. Do I get my point across? Re-mark-a-ble. Is it pretty clear? I apologize to promote myself in such a sneaky way. My previous boss used to say: "This fellow", that's me, "works as a horse". You can rely on me, Sir. EAGLE Do I know you? COW He insisted to talk to you, Lord Eagle. He wants to work as your private loo cleaner. EAGLE Does he have any experience? COW An impressive record--yes. ULYSSES I used to take care of a battalion's loo in the army, Sir. Three hundred men popping in and out day and night. I can assure you I will turn your bath into a shiny nice-looking bowl.
EAGLE I like this guy. We need people with initiative. ULYSSES Thank you, Sir. You won't regret it. EAGLE And he has a good sense of humor! Ulysses exits laughing. EAGLE Does he qualify for the position, then? COW We should request his Civilization working permit, Sir. EAGLE What? That's indecent! You have been wasting my time, Lady Cow. Lord Eagle exits. Ulysses enters combing his hair with a comb. COW I regret to inform you that the position as Lord President's Toilet Cleaner has been fulfilled. Our decision was based on our current needs, and it does not represent, by any means, your personal qualifications as a candidate. We suggest you to keep in touch with our office for further job positions. Our best wishes on your professional career. Lord Cow and Ulysses exit by opposite directions. Darkness. Sound of heavy traffic, car beep and a broken glass. Car lights cast over Ulysses, who lies on the floor. Lady Cat enters. She looks around--searching for possible witnesses.
CAT I am afraid I followed you too close. ULYSSES I need to go to a hospital. CAT Damn! Had you not come to this country I wouldn't have hit you! Have you updated all your documents, Ulysses? ULYSSES Sure. CAT Even your health insurance? ULYSSES Health insurance? CAT You must paid a health insurance--that's the law. That way tax-payers don't have to be responsible for your hospital bills. You will have to pay only, perhaps, a small deductible amount. But never mind, since I was the one who hit you, I will pay any deductible fees from my own pocket. ULYSSES (nervous) Very kind of you, Lady Cat. Lady Cat holds him in her arms. ULYSSES (continuing) How much would a hospital charge for taking care of someone in my condition? CAT That depends of your broken bones and the amount of time you spend under intensive care. It may cost you over ten thousand nobles a day.
ULYSSES Ten thousand nobles a day! CAT Civilization health care is the most expensive in the world. Over ten thousand nobles a day. Yes! And let's not talk about the X-ray extra-fees. ULYSSES Extra-fees? CAT So, do you have a health insurance? ULYSSES I'm afraid I don't. CAT Just what I feared! You have committed a serious offense, Ulysses. Lady Cat drops him. Ulysses falls flat on the floor. ULYSSES I thought it was not necessary. CAT You better go to the bank and get all the money you can. We'll go to the Hospital! Ulysses stands up limping. ULYSSES Let's just forget what happened. CAT I can't leave you here. ULYSSES I beg you!
CAT That would be unfair! ULYSSES I entreat you! CAT Let me think... ULYSSES I beseech you! CAT Take out your shirt. Ulysses takes out his shirt, discovering a set of metallic biceps, part of a superhero costume. Lady Cat pads them. CAT You are not an ugly boy... ULYSSES I implore you! CAT I will accept your plea, with one condition. Lady Cat kisses Ulysses on his mouth. CAT (continuing) You will have to visit me on Saint Valentine's day. ULYSSES Sure. CAT You are lucky I was the one who hit you, baby! They exit by opposite directions--Ulysses limps.
CLIMACO, a 25-year old hippie wearing silk clothes, enters with the mother and Petronila, a bald slender girl who wears a yellow dress. She carries two baby dolls. MOTHER Uh, Dear Petronila. I am so glad to see you here. Who are these beautiful babies? PETRONILA Your grandchildren. MOTHER Really? Uh, thanks. PETRONILA I would like you to take care of them during the weekend. Climaco and I want to spend a couple of days in the mountains. MOTHER You are in your right! But these are your children, not mine. PETRONILA I see you don't love them! MOTHER I wish I were in Civilization, where the elderly are never bothered by the young. Climaco and Petronila leave the baby-dolls over the sofa. MOTHER (continuing) Would you like to drink a beer? PETRONILA It's too heavy for my stomach.
MOTHER A glass of whiskey? PETRONILA I dislike whisk. MOTHER A cup of champagne? Le Gelet Mort? PETRONILA If you don't mind. The Mother picks up the bottle and serves her a cup. CLIMACO (with a baby voice) Any news from Ulysses? MOTHER Some. He got into an accident. (pause) But now he is fine. CLIMACO He's sleeping on our nobles. PETRONILA How so? CLIMACO He lives in a luxurious apartment, just in the center of Civilization! MOTHER I now take care of his inheritance--I told you. PETRONILA Will he come to Climaco's party?
MOTHER By no means. He may suspect we are still well-off. After all we have four cars, two trucks, five weekend houses, six apartments, one farm and two manufacturing companies. CLIMACO He should be the one taking care of us. Civilization is a golden mine. He should be the one who sends us money. MOTHER I would have rather send you to Civilization. You don't waste your time in silly activities, such as painting portraits that no one buys. But you failed the admission tests. CLIMACO I blame my sense of honesty. A professor tried to black-mail me. Now compare the money dad left us. I'm in disadvantage. PETRONILA True. Silence. Sound of a thunder storm. PETRONILA (continuing) Life in the jungle is getting dangerous. There are too many revolutions. We may even lose a farm! CLIMACO We are going to emigrate, Mother. Climaco lights a cigarette. MOTHER That's a sound decision. PETRONILA Do you think Ulysses will host us?
CLIMACO Do not even question it, Petronila. That's his duty. Mother smells Climaco's clothes. MOTHER My husband, after all, invested all his savings in his trip. MOTHER (continuing) Are you smoking again, Climaco? CLIMACO Only once in a while. MOTHER (sobbing, to Petronila) He is often depressed. I hope you are not inducing him to drugs. Petronila stands up. PETRONILA What did you tell her? CLIMACO I don't hide secrets to my Mom! PETRONILA I hate you! The mother pours wine in her cup and drinks, fixing her gaze on the TV screen. Climaco sobs. CLIMACO You were only interested in my money! Now that it has run out you plan to leave me! PETRONILA You one once in a lifetime, you got it right!
Climaco beats Petronila. Petronila hurts him badly. Petronila exits. Climaco fallows her. We listen to a Piazzola tango. MOTHER My good flattering son, you always rely on my word. I wasn't as kind to my mother. I loved dearly, even though she gave me a hard time--agonizing for ten years, day and nigh, in a gray bed. Now it's time for us to move to Civilization. Let's ask Ulysses for a picture of his bride. I won't accept to be nursed by an overweight ugly daughter in law. She stands up and leaves the stage. Tango music. Rosa and Samuel enter as they dance. Ulysses enters by the left with an old cumbersome camera. He sets it up. ROSA If Ulysses likes to kiss his mother's ass, that's his problem. I don't have to justify myself! She doesn't deserve a picture of me! There is nothing I hate as much as to smile in front of a silly camera. I already told him: "I won't do it! You may insist, but I won't do it!" We haven't had sex since then. Flash. Rosa screams. The music is harshly interrupted. ROSA (continuing; hysterical) Ulysses! You, son of a Cat! I'm talking to you! How dare you? (to Samuel) Did you see? Ulysses did it! He took that pic without my consent, Samuel! Samuel exits. Rosa approaches Ulysses. She slaps him and embraces him.
ROSA (continuing) ¡You are the only one I have! Mother's laugh is heard. Rosa kisses Ulysses. The Mother enters carrying a piece of broken glass. MOTHER (V.O.) I was longing for a silver-hair son when Ulysses came into the world: a reddish ball nobody was able to clean. I washed him in bleach for a week, till he bleed. Then I said to myself: a red-face fellow can also make it. Ulysses and Rosa eat pop-corn in front of the TV screen. MOTHER (V.O.) Years Later he told me "Mom, I want to study Art". "Art?", I asked him, "how in the world are you going to pay the bills? He didn't listen to me, and there he is, begging for money. Climaco enters. Ulysses and Rosa look at them. CLIMACO (to the audience, smiling) Our business is to sell glass. Ulysses is ashamed of the art of gain, but without glass he wouldn't had studied at Civilization. It was not knowledge, but cunning, which brought prosperity to our home. I always knew Ulysses was just another loser. I can't deliver glass to any place around the world. Climaco exits. Sound of wind.
ROSA I am too bored. I am leaving. ULYSSES Would you mind if I go with you? She doesn't move. Ulysses takes out the gun from the sofa. ROSA There is a blizzard out there. ULYSSES It's the storm of the century. ROSA Bullshit. Stop playing with that gun. ULYSSES Why did you buy it? ROSA I already told you! (pause) Did you send that pic to your mother? ULYSSES She likes you! Rosa stands up in anger. ROSA Am I supposed to believe you? I'm fed up of your mother! You are pathetic! You do everything she says. What a bitch! If I were you I just send her to hell! ULYSSES I could hurt her. ROSA So what? Maybe then she will learn to appreciate you a little bit!
ULYSSES She created me. ROSA Created you? How many times I should tell you? We are just shit! You better get a job! She exits. ULYSSES Rosa! Ulysses hides the gun and stands up. He walks around the sofa. LORD PIG, a 40-year old man, enters. He pushes a wheel chair, where LORD FOX, a teenager actor who wears a swimming suit, sucks a gigantic lollipop. He also handles a a lap computer. Lord Pig wears hat and raincoat. One of his fingers bears a heavy ring with a ruby. Ulysses kneels down in front of Lord Pig and kisses his ring. PIG I asked the candidates to cross Civilization from coast to coast as a token of their loyalty. But this is the only one who came. Was I too eccentric, perhaps? ULYSSES I'd say you were rather keen, sound, lucid, sane, smart, and overall, commonsensical... PIG Very good answer! ULYSSES Rational, wise, judicious, shrewd, astute, prudent, careful, gentle!
PIG Enough! Thanks! ULYSSES I'm at your service, Lord Pig. FOX Nobody else came to the convention, Doc. Lord Pig runs to the right corner of the stage. He peruses the audience. He runs to the left corner of the stage. He peruses the sky. He returns. PIG This fellow will do for all of them. FOX But according to this form, we must interview no less than twenty seven candidates. PIG You will write, then, any twenty six names, Lord Fox--wouldn't you? FOX You are so, so cleaver! ULYSSES So honest! Lord Pig and Lord Fox stare at Ulysses, who feeling uncomfortable, steps back. They turn their backs to Ulysses. PIG How innocent. FOX How credulous. They turn around.
Lord Fox types on his computer. PIG Where are you from? ULYSSES I am from the rain forest. PIG Did you hear, Foxy? ¡What a grammar! He divides the personal pronoun from the ontological verb. Are you from the jungle then? ULYSSES That's correct. PIG Are you planning to return to the jungle later on? ULYSSES Over my dead body. PIG I appreciate your sincerity. We need trusty fellows, guys able to work under extreme conditions of salubrity. ULYSSES I'm a survivor. PIG I'm listening. ULYSSES Every fifteen minutes a man, woman or child is murdered in my country. FOX Congratulations! PIG Do you speak any other language besides the civilized one?
ULYSSES Seven Chibcha dialects. PIG Chibcha? ULYSSES From a remote civilization that flourish... PIG Enough. Do you cook? ULYSSES I would be delighted. PIG You are hired, then. Foxy, please, hand out the contract to this cook assistant; to this courageous survivor of the tropical rain-forest, and then meet me on the beach. Lord Fox stands up and passes a sheet and a pen to Ulysses. Ulysses studies the sheet. Waltz tune. Lord Fox drops his body on the foreground and drags his body, as swimming. Lord Pig takes his coat off, uncovering a swimming suit. After some hesitation he jumps into these imaginary waters. During the next conversation, Lord Fox and Lord Pig will stage a choreography. ULYSSES How many nobles will I earn? PIG Five hundred per month. ULYSSES Isn't it too low? PIG Better than nothing.
ULYSSES I understand! How many hours will I work? FOX Sixty four per week. ULYSSES Isn't it a heavy load? PIG Do you want to work? ULYSSES Sure! May I know my working hours? PIG From six in the morning until midnight. ULYSSES (laughing) Seriously. FOX Seriously. ULYSSES I see! I accept. FOX (to Lord Pig) You  didn't asked him to be in charge of my barn! And what about cocaine? PIG No need to mention it. Once he signs, he will have to do it. Lord Pig and Lord Fox exit. Mother and Climaco cross the stage. ULYSSES I got a job, Mother!
MOTHER Doing what? ULYSSES I will be a cook. MOTHER Couldn't you be the president of a company? ULYSSES No, mother. MOTHER Have you applied to GM? ULYSSES No, Mother. MOTHER What are you waiting for? Ulysses exits. CLIMACO (to the mother, laughing) Do you remember Victor? The employee who cut his wrist with a broken piece of glass? MOTHER The crook who sued us. CLIMACO He is now our new mayor! MOTHER (almost passing out) O, dear! CLIMACO I must travel, Mom! I must travel!
MOTHER Don't forget to correct Your brother's sentimental life. They exit. Lights dim off. The background projects the surreal shadows of a tree. Ulysses and Rosa lie in bed. ROSA I already told you--I can't. ULYSSES What do you want then? ROSA I'm very young. I have some doubts. ULYSSES And what about next year? Are we going to go on together? ROSA I don't know. Maybe I won't love you; maybe you won't love me. ULYSSES (After a silence) You are right. I've been a fool, Rosa. ROSA That's love. ULYSSES Thanks to let me know. ROSA I'm Lady Bitch. Don't forget it. (pause) ULYSSES Yes. You warned me. Still, I though you like me. ROSA You just wanted to be loved. ULYSSES I know. How selfish love is. Just like you and me. ROSA Don't I make you happy? ULYSSES I already told you. I feel insecure. (pause) I'd like to think I've buried my past for you. But that would be a lie. (pause) As to believe that I'm happy now, as to believe in this very day, as to believe in you, as to believe in my memories and myself. (pause)
My major torture is my future. But, anyway, I live--I survive. He smiles. ULYSSES (continuing) For now. (pause) If I'm suffering it is because I chose it. ROSA (tender) I didn't mean I don't love you, Ulysses. Ulysses rests his head on Rosa's breasts.
ROSA (continuing) You feel powerless, as every man I know. Ulysses withdraws. ULYSSES Why do you have to compare me with him? ROSA With who? ULYSSES Whoever. ROSA Do you want me as your bride or not? ULYSSES Yes! ROSA You are so naive, Ulysses. There you are, offended once again. I'm with you not to make you suffer. ULYSSES I feel you so far away. ROSA I hope you won't be offended, Honey, but your accent is getting worse. Knocks on the door. Ulysses comes out and returns followed by Lord Lion. LION We apologize for the confusion. Sir. I understood 0001. Now I am confident your identity number is 0000. ULYSSES I was worried, believe me.
LION A digit can alter the fate of an entire nation, Sir. What can the FIRST EMIGRANT UNION CORPORATION do for you today? ULYSSES I was erroneously charged thirty nobles on my last statement. Lord Lion checks his computer. LION You are right, Sir. Your payment was received on Monday the fourth. Your due date was on the first of June. Unfortunately you made your payment too late. ULYSSES If you count weekend days, yes, three days. But only one working day. LION We are so sorry, sir. ULYSSES What surprises me the most, it's that I mailed my payment on the tenth of May. You must have received it one week after. You can check the posting date on the envelope. LION I'm afraid our computers don't take it on to account. ULYSSES But that's unfair! LION Our computer system is too stern on this matter. It does not allow us to change your credit balance. ULYSSES Last month I was overcharged as well.
LION You are most correct, Mr. Arguello. You sent your payment too soon. It was received on May the sixth. Unfortunately it was due on the seventh. You paid a day too early. ULYSSES I mailed it to your company on the fifth! You must have received it on the tenth at least--not the day after! LION If you want to sue us, Sir, we can lend you money to hire a Ape. ULYSSES I can't get more into debt. LION May I do something else for you, Sir? ULYSSES What would you do if I cannot pay off my debts? Lord Lion looks haughty at Ulysses. ULYSSES (continuing) It may happen. LION I understand. Do you smoke? ULYSSES No. LION Do you drink? ULYSSES No.
LION Do you have sex with more than two mates? ULYSSES No that I know. LION Then we recommend you to sell one of your kidneys in
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